House of Stassi S1E5

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we’re reintroduced to Dayna Schroeder, Stassi’s toxic, red-headed mother. What joy! Let’s dive into House of Stassi episode 5.

We’re back in the midst of the quote unquote “staycation from hell”, although I’m sure there are staycations that have felt a lot more like being in hell than this one. A little fight over the dinner table never killed nobody… don’t quote me on that. A producer asks Stassi what is still left to be accomplished at said staycation. She’s still waiting for Katie and Kristina to get off their asses and do some work in the form of an argument to resolve the unknown beef between them. And there is still a pending baby moon for Taylor and Teddy to be had, where there will be Ouija board activities happening. I want to say that’s more than likely a first for a baby moon, but given how weird most people on the planet are, let’s face it, it’s probably been done several times. Seems like bad juju for the unborn baby if you ask me, but what do I know?

Beau has thrown Stassi straight under the bus, but to be fair, she kind of threw him under the bus first by bringing up the issues Beau has with Rob, which led to Beau and Rob bickering back and forth like two siblings on a road trip in the back seat. BUM BUMMP BUMMP BUMP BUMMMMP BUHHH BUUUUUMMP. Stassi and Beau are now fighting at the dinner table and everyone is uncomfortable. Stassi storms off upstairs. Taylor heads upstairs to see if she is okay and annnnnd Stassi is fully bawling her eyes out, which seems like a bit of an overreaction to a situation she kind of started? Stassi is like, “I’m just here trying to do my job as a reality TV personality and now my husband is calling me a dummy.” She tells us that the rules are simple: you don’t sweep shit under the rug, you say things with your whole chest. Basically this whole show is a lesson in “how to make a good reality show according to Stassi Schroeder”. The issue with that is, it’s coming off a little bit forced, therefore it doesn’t feel genuine. Rob is not aware of the rules of reality TV. He’s not used to practices of communal yelling sessions. Rob is acting as though he’s participating in attack therapy in Synanon. While I’m not sure the behaviour we’re seeing is 100% healthy, it’s not exactly abusive. Anyway, Kristina Kelly would like to point out how much better females are at communication. Katie is all, “uhhhh is that really the case? Because you are actively avoiding communicating with me.”

On a side note, I saw on Instagram that Katie attended Olivia Rodrigo’s Daisy Chain Music Fields Festival, and I just want to say how fucking impressive it is for a 23 year old to put on a festival which raised 10 million dollars that was divided among 10 nonprofit organisations supporting women and girls, including Planned Parenthood, the Center for Reproductive Rights and The Trevor Project. 10 million dollars which was then doubled to 20 million by Melinda Gates. The most productive thing I did as a 23 year old was come up with new rules for Circle of Death, the drinking game, for those who are unfamiliar. A skill I was rather proud of at the time. May we all strive to be more like the Olivias of this world and less like the tipsy Natalies, drinking everything in sight because they think it will fill a void and cure their social awkwardness. Spoiler alert: it will not do either.

Anyway, Stassi is still upstairs crying in bed. Beau is now heading upstairs, straight into the lion’s den. They’re now arguing about who started what and Stassi says, “you don’t care about him.” I assume she’s talking about Rob. This seems to touch a nerve with Beau. I guess maybe this is something he has said to Stassi off camera, because Beau is now like, “who the fuck are you to tell me my own feelings?” Kristina Kelly is downstairs thanking her lucky stars that she did not bring a suitcase to this shit show. Beau calls out Stassi breaking the fourth wall, which is like some kind of weird reality show inception. He’s all, “ohhhhh so we’re gonna break the fourth wall now?!” The main issue I have with him doing this is that he didn’t look directly into the camera. C’mon Beau, if you’re gonna really break the fourth wall, you speak to the camera, TO US. SAY IT TO MY FACE. Stassi then tells us that she’s been coaching her whole family on what it takes to make reality TV, which seems like a weird statement to make. The whole time I’ve been watching this show, I’ve been thinking, “does Stassi want us to think this is all real?” And also, “what is the point of it all?” “Is there life on Mars?” “Why are we here?” All of which seem far too existential for such a trivial show.

Taylor wants to know what the hell Stassi needs from Beau. She has no clue and neither does he. Stassi thinks not only are they on separate pages, they’re in completely different books, maybe even different planets. Taylor is like, “not to make everything about me, but like, it’s our baby moon, sooooo.” She wants Stassi to buck the fuck up and apologise. Stassi agrees to rein it in and say sorry. The producer wants to know if Stassi ever apologises for the sake of peace. No, basically just no, she does not. She goes downstairs to talk to Beau. She’s now a bumbling mess, trying to apologise without taking any accountability. It’s all going down like a lead balloon with Beau. He looks like he’s about to burst out laughing with how terrible this apology is. He throws it back in her face annnnnd they’re upset with each other again. Ahhh marriage, what a beautiful thing it is! Stassi is like, “point and case, this is exactly why I do not apologise,” which doesn’t really seem like the right attitude to move forward. Stassi doesn’t want viewers of this show to have to choose between “Team Stassi” or “Team Beau”. I’m Team Neither. I’m Team Kristina Kelly, who refuses to engage and is walking out the door. She says she doesn’t want them pitted against each other, but who’s doing the pitting here? Not us, the viewers, that’s for damn sure.

Anyway, we see everyone getting into their PJs and heading to bed. Stassi is in her big fuck off California king alone and Beau is downstairs eating what I can only assume is leftover cake of some description. He’s stress eating. The next morning, Stassi tells us that today is not the day to have important conversations with her husband. Today is for Taylor and Teddy. Taylor and Rob are chatting downstairs beside Beau’s makeshift bed, AKA the couch. He wakes up and quite honestly looks like a pile of shit. No offence to him, I’m sure the couch he slept on is about as comfortable as the opulent, 18th century one in Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein. I watched Trixie and Katya’s “I Like to Watch” on Frankenstein recently, so it’s really top of mind for me. I digress. Beau is trying to “keep calm and carry on”, even though he thinks the saying is dumb. I’m sure the British public from 1939 would disagree. Although, on second thought, perhaps they would agree with Beau. It is pretty patronising. Nobody really likes to be told to keep calm, especially on the precipice of war. And while Beau feels as though HE may be on the precipice of war with his wife, he’s counting on them sweeping shit under the rug for today, so they can all have a great time baby mooning.

Everyone is coming downstairs for the festivities. Taylor asks the question that I was pondering last week: “Are pregnant women allowed to eat caviar?” Stassi gives us the answer: pregnant women are allowed to eat whatever the fuck they want, and she’s correct. Whether it is advised or not is a totally different story. Also, whether other people around you will judge the fuck out of you if you do is, once again, different. I remember being at work when I was about 7 months pregnant and making a small plunger of coffee. It was one of those mini ones, where you only get like 1 to 1 and a half cups out of it. A female coworker came up to me and was all, “oh, you’re not supposed to drink coffee when you’re pregnant!” I, knowing that you’re supposed to drink it in moderation, responded, “I’m only drink one cup a day.” What I really wanted to do was give her my best Eric Cartman impression and say, “WHATEVER, I DO WHAT I WANT.” The plight of the pregnant woman is not an enviable one. People constantly telling you what you can and can’t do, random people poking and prodding you, not being able to eat unpasteurised cheese. With all of those hormones roaming around the body, I’m surprised people approach at all. Also, pregnant women aren’t the only ones who are supposed to drink caffeine in moderation. EVERYONE IS. Hello, it’s not great for the ticker.

Anyway, Stassi tells us that she ate caviar and sushi when she was pregnant and her kids are totally normal. Listeria be damned!! She doesn’t believe in the whole sushi being bad for pregnant women thing, and we all know that when you don’t believe in something it makes it completely redundant. I’m being facetious, of course. But in all seriousness, pregnant women are more than capable of using their own discretion with these things. Kristina Kelly arrives and it would seem her very presence has some kind of anaesthetic effect on Katie because she looks like she’s fallen straight into a K-hole. She’s zoned the fuck out. Perhaps she’s mesmerised by the chicken nuggs? Moving on! The manservant and caviar man arrive. The caviar man is carrying the caviar in a metal cylinder which is attached to a belt around his waist. I’ve tried caviar once, sooooo I’m not exactly privy to how it is supposed to be served. Buuuuuut I feel like a bowl would suffice? No? Is this the traditional way of serving? I’ve never seen Meredith Marks caviar being served from a man’s waist. I’m perplexed. The people are getting down with the caviar and the chicken nuggets and the champagne of it all.

Taylor tells them that she’s terrified that she won’t feel connected to the baby because she has no biological connection, which seems like a pretty justifiable reason to be scared. She also tells them that she has to adopt their baby, which seems unnecessarily cruel if they are married and having a kid together. They’re in the middle of this very serious conversation and the manservant has taken it upon himself to take his shirt off and bring out shots for everyone. It seems like a welcome distraction, to be honest. Stassi tells us that she did not know the manservant came with the Magic Mike experience, which it didn’t, because I see absolutely zero grinding happening on that pregnant belly. Probably for the best. Once again Stassi is telling Kristina Kelly that she needs to talk to Katie. She tells us that when it comes to fighting, these two bitches are equally as strong as each other. Something we know from watching Vanderpump Rules. Kristina pulls Katie away from her tacos to chat.

Meanwhile Georgi makes the announcement that she’s moving into an apartment in the complex that Rob lives in, and she’s taking Georgia with her. Given how we’ve seen Stassi act towards her sister and how often she complains about both of them being in her house, you’d think this news would make her happy. It does not. She’s all, “where are you going and with what money?” I know it’s a complex situation, but Stassi did literally tell her sister to move out as soon as possible, and I hate the fact that I’m taking Georgi’s side on this. Outside, Kristina Kelly is telling Katie not to be scared. Katie, in so many words, says, “don’t flatter yourself, bitch.” She brings up the payroll comment. Katie is like, “haven’t you heard of hyperbole?” She didn’t say it to offend anyone. Katie thinks that Taylor and Kristina are Stassi’s keepers, which kind of does seem to be the case.

Kristina tells us that the only reason she went back on VPR is because Katie was going through a divorce and she asked her to come back. Ultimately Kristina feels like she was there for Katie in a time of need, but she does not feel like that support has been reciprocated. She wants to know when Katie has shown up for her. Once again Scheana Shay is haunting the halls of the House of Stassi, when Kristina invokes her by saying, “you think I wanted to hang out with Scheana?!” Which is kind of a lol. Kristina and Scheana are polar opposites, and honestly I’d love to see them on another reality show together. Kristina peaces the fuck out. She tells Stassi that she shouldn’t be okay with the payroll comment that Katie made. Unfortunately for her, Stassi gives zero shits. She’s just trying to make good TV. Stassi says like she only just now feels like she’s in the middle of Katie and Kristina, which is weird because, like, she’s been in the middle the whole time. I now have Meryl Streep in my head screaming, “NOW a warning?!” I’m not sure why this is conjuring up scenes from Death Becomes Her, although I’m sure there are several parallels we could draw from the two. Anyway, Stassi questions whether she’s pushed Katie and Kristina’s friendship off a cliff, and I would say yes, you have. You should feel responsible for two grown women’s actions.

The next morning, Stassi actually apologises to Beau for unintentionally throwing him under the bus. BUT. And of course there is a but. He intentionally threw her under, and that, she says, can not happen because they are supposed to be a team. Stassi tells Beau that she feels horrible for the way things have been left between Katie and Kristina. She thinks perhaps the payroll comment that Katie made touched a nerve with Kristina because Kristina has asked Stassi to promote her lip balm, I guess. Stassi then tells us that every Tom, Dick and Harry she knows asks her to post their shit, and she could care less. She’s gonna need Kristina to look inward. Stassi is now telling us she’s hosting a Friendsgiving. She says that it’s for family and friends, and her mother will be in attendance. Stassi is in no way, shape or form looking forward to her mother being there. She likens her mum’s voice to nails on a chalkboard, which is a woof. I do vaguely remember Stassi and her mother not getting along on VPR, but I don’t necessarily remember the ins and outs of the situation.

We arrive at said Friendsgiving event. Stassi tells us that her daughter Hartford is obsessed with her mother and that she thinks it’s her karma, because if it weren’t for that relationship, I assume she would cut her out completely. Katie and her boyfriend are admiring the kids table, and Katie short shames her boyfriend, saying it’s his size. He appears to laugh at her comment, which to me shows he’s secure in his shortness. Something we wish for all short kings, quite frankly. We don’t need more fragile male egos out there. Katie and her boyfriend are wearing matching Ray Bans, which gives me weird feelings of PTSD and I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t know how I feel about matching outfits with a romantic partner. Actually, that’s not true. I do know how I feel about it. I hate it. Anywho! Speaking of matching outfits, Dayna, Stassi’s mother, and Georgi, Stassi’s sister, are wearing matching colour dresses and basically have the same hair, which is also making me feel a certain type of way. Definitely not a good certain type of way. Kristina says they look like twins, which is creepy as fuck. Stassi says, “and they have the exact same personality too.” She tells us that they are both loving, needy people, who love to stir the pot and shit talk. They both have a habit of lying and need male attention. Woof. The vibes in this family are… way off.

Stassi tells Taylor and Kristina that her mother wants full access to her life, which she clearly does not want her to have. She says she’s not the daughter that her mother wants her to be. Too bad for Dayna. The daughter you want and the daughter you get are not the same. If you don’t put unrealistic expectations on your child, you won’t be perpetually disappointed. Georgi tells us that her and Stassi got two different versions of their mother growing up. It would seem Stassi got a more distant version than Georgi, which kind of puts things into perspective a little more. Rob joins Dayna and Georgi to chat. Georgi tells Dayna that everyone on the staycation thought they were hooking up, and she admits that they do flirt with each other. Dayna tells Rob that Georgi has been a flirt since she was 1 year old, which is not only the creepiest comment I’ve heard on this show, it’s also an incredibly toxic thing to say, especially in regard to your own daughter. A one year old child does not fucking flirt. The notion that a one year old child would be flirting with people is harmful. Not only that, but it’s completely unwarranted, unfounded and untrue. A one year old child doesn’t have any cognitive awareness around flirting. There’s no intent there. Perhaps she labels it as that because she doesn’t understand the actual needs of a child, or simply doesn’t want to understand them. I don’t know. I’m not even sure where to start unpacking Dayna’s mentality around this behaviour. Not only has Dayna weirdly sexualised 1 year old Georgi in this moment, but she’s also seemingly denying Georgi’s bisexuality. So all around she’s just a fucking winner of a parent.

Time to eat! Everyone sits down and Stassi wants to bring Katie and Kristina back together by getting them to hold hands across the dinner table, which Beau thinks is awkward as fuck, which I kind of agree with. But! It works. Kristina apologises to Katie for not accepting her apology and they squash their beef. It’s kind of funny seeing Stassi tell us that she knew that bringing the two together and getting them to talk about it at the dinner table would work, but then when she sees her mother doing the same thing between Georgi and Georgia, she’s like, hell no, this is my show, bitch. Georgia politely tells Dayna to mind her own fucking business and that Georgi and her have moved on from their grievances. They’re in the middle of this conversation when who do I spy with my big blue eyes? Mrs Maloney. Katie Malone’s OG mother. This woman schooled Raquel Leviss on what it means to show people respect, on Season 10 of VPR, which I will forever be grateful for. I loved every second of it, apart from when Sandoval told her to STFU. The nerve of that man.

Anyway, Stassi is telling us that her mother likes to pit her against her siblings, which, I think we can all agree, is pretty fucked up. She says, “she wants me to be a certain type of daughter,” and I would love to know what kind of daughter Dayna wants Stassi to be, because by all accounts she seems pretty successful, perhaps in spite of her mother? Stassi wants a divorce from her family of origin, and who can really blame her? Her mother seems like a real piece of work. To be continued. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

Also, I’ve just realised that we saw no Ouija board activity, which I’m now disappointed about, even though I thought it was a bad idea. I love spooky shit. Is it Halloween time yet?

Anyway, that’s it for today.

If you enjoy Anyway! Please rate, like, subscribe. Give me your feedback, I’m open to it all.

You can tell me you hate me, you can tell me you love me. You can tell me you bought a Ouija board just to consult the spirits about what you should call your unborn baby. Any form of dialogue is much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!