Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 7 Episode 1

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Nau mai, haere mai, te whānau, welcome on in fam.

Today we’re back with the ladies of Salt Lake City. Every time I hear the words Salt Lake City I have to resist the urge to break into the Book of Mormon song with the same name. Spelled slightly differently, of course. Which would be inappropriate, because today’s episode is a sad one, it’s heavy, but! There is also levity, which these ladies know how to bring. Let’s discuss Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 7 Episode 1.

We open with Mary sitting down with Big Joe, Mary’s cousin, to discuss Robert Junior’s release from jail. And unless you’ve been living under a rock, we know where this is going and I’m bracing myself. She’s thanking him for picking Robert up and they discuss how happy Mary was when he got home. Mary says he’s doing good and that she just needs things to stay right and not turn left. We see ‘three weeks later’ appear. Angie is in her testimonial crying. She tells us about Mary calling her to tell her that Robert had passed. Angie couldn’t fathom that it would have been Robert Junior and that she thought Mary was talking about her husband Robert Senior, which is understandable, given Robert Junior was only 24.

We go through all the ladies talking about how they received the news and they’re all very emotional, obviously. It’s a horrific situation for anyone to come to terms with, but if you have kids, it’s literally worst nightmare scenario. All of the ladies, except for Mary, arrive at Angie’s place. Angie wants everyone to come together in peace for Mary’s sake. Lisa wants everyone to know, she is definitely not perimenopausal, she’s on her period OKAY. I think thou doth protest a little too much. I have some news for Lisa. If you have a uterus, are in your forties and you have not been through menopause, you are perimenopausal, bitch, get in to it.

They all sit down to eat and talk about Robert Junior and how sweet he was. They talk about how strong Mary is trying to be and how they can’t even comprehend how hard it would be to lose your child. I can’t comprehend it. I’m not even going to try. I can’t put myself there. This is my second time watching the episode and I’m still a blubbering mess. All of them want to try and put their differences aside for Mary and rally. Heather says they have taken each other for granted, but this reminds them how much they need each other. I’m not sure Meredith was all ‘Go team!’ on that idea. She’s pissed at Whitney, but in true Meredith style, seems to be disengaging.

Anyway, we cut to Lisa making grilled cheese for her family, which comes as an absolute shock to everyone. No one more than their dog Kendle, who’s all, ‘whatcha got there, mum? Some delicious white floofy stuff with some delicious yellow melty stuff on it?’ She’s eagerly awaiting Lisa dropping some of it on the ground. Which seems like it could happen, because the way that Lisa’s family responds to her cooking is like it’s the most foreign thing in the world and that she couldn’t even make a piece of toast without setting the house on fucking fire. Her son Jack comes in and is all ‘mum what are you doing in the kitchen? What’s the occasion?’ He’s basically like ‘I didn’t even know you knew where the kitchen was’. It’s a little condescending if I’m being honest.

Is it just me or is the music this season kind of unhinged? When Lisa is making the grilled cheese we get some kind of funky upbeat music that sounds like it’s coming straight from the early 90s. It’s all very electronic sounding. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the choir singing. Lisa is pissed at her grown adult male son bringing a bunch of random girls around to her house, which is what 21 year old males do. She’s annoyed because the behaviour is being emulated by her 14 year old son. Which is totally fair enough, I get it and I wouldn’t be thrilled about that either, so like, kick him out? If he’s been living by himself in Columbia for two years, he sure as shit can live by himself in Salt Lake City. He seems a little spoiled, so it would probably do him some good, right? I say that having a six year old and having no idea how hard it is to let your kids go out into the world, so who the fuck am I to talk? I also now realise that he didn’t have to pay rent in Columbia and also didn’t have a real job because he was on a mission there. So perhaps he would be screwed, but we have to let them fuck up, for resilience!

Jack turns his nose up at the goats cheese. Meanwhile Henry thanks his mother for it. It’s weird to me that the 14 year old has a more refined palate than the 21 year old, who’s just lived in a foreign country for two years. What did he eat in Columbia? I don’t know. I guess they have Wendy’s there, which as we know Lisa is notoriously obsessed with and claims to eat every day. Anywho, Lisa and her husband John sit down to talk. They talk about how important it is for them to be open and honest with each other as a family, in light of what Mary’s going through. John admits that he wasn’t a safe space for Lisa last year. In fact, he was kind of an asshole, which he apologises for.

Perhaps he feels some type of way about how their relationship is portrayed on television. They have always painted Lisa out to be a ball busting steam roller towards her husband on this show. Whether that’s the case or not, I’m sure it doesn’t feel great for him to watch that. Not only that, but Lisa tells us that John was putting unrealistic expectations on himself. She talks about the pressures of being a Mormon man, to be perfect, to provide, to raise good kids, be a good husband etc. These pressures obviously don’t just apply to Mormon men, but men of all different backgrounds and religions. They are unfair expectations and also unnecessary. We don’t live in the 1950s anymore. Lisa is a great business woman, who has a lot going for her, which I guess makes him feel emasculated. When instead he should be excited and happy for her, because they’re supposed to be a team.

John struggles with communication, like most men. I hate to generalise, but… you know, it’s a stereotype for a reason. God willing the majority of people are raising their sons to be more vulnerable and open with their thoughts and feelings. It would do everyone a world of good for men to be more sensitive and in touch with their emotions, you know what I’m saying. Congrats to John for getting in touch with himself, being open and apologising to his wife. THAT’S GOOD SHIT, JOHN, round of applause. Now who’s being condescending?

Moving on, we’re catching up with Whitney and Bronwyn, who are playing pickleball. Whitney tells us that her and Bronwyn have had a blossoming friendship ever since the reunion in New York. Bronwyn thinks it’s funny to queer bait us into thinking her and Whitney have been scissoring. They haven’t, it’s humour, she’s using humour. I guess maybe there were rumours about them hooking up? I don’t know. Maybe they did, who knows.

Bronwyn and Whitney discuss the demon Todd. Apparently Todd wants to figure things out with Bronwyn, which is perplexing to me because he always seemed unhappy when they were together and was seemingly cheating on her every chance he got. Bronwyn says that Todd offered to come to Robert Junior’s service with her, so she wouldn’t have to go alone. Which on the surface seems like a nice gesture, but is probably just a tactic for him to weasel his way back into Bronwyn’s life. She says that their relationship came off to other people as banter or playful, but behind closed doors it was him shutting her down and her shutting the fuck up. Uhhhh Bronwyn, never did I ever think your relationship with Todd was full of banter or playful, just FYI. He seemed like a straight up dick and I never saw even an inkling of any redeeming quality. Fuck that guy.

We then get a montage of him proving exactly that. He’s a see you next Tuesday. He was asshole to Bronwyn, he was mean, dismissed her feelings on a regular basis and just an all around grumpy old curmudgeon. She tells us that this motherfucker did absolutely zero for her 40th birthday, which was not long after her dad had passed away. As if I couldn’t dislike him anymore. BUT, Bronwyn is now dating a hot as fuck model, who is eight years her junior. She’s having a grand ol’ time, annnnd travelling the world with him, so suck on those apples, TODD.

Bronwyn wants to talk about Whitney’s problems now. It would appear Whitney got shit-faced at a drag brunch and talked a whole lot of smack about Meredith and Lisa. Which I guess she regrets now, because she has to pretend to get along with them on a TV show. No man is an island, Whitney, perhaps that’s why she’s paired up with Bronwyn. The thing is Whitney is acting like she’s remorseful about her actions, but when it comes to the crunch, she’s using all the excuses under the sun to justify her behaviour. She was at a drag brunch, she had liquid courage, the audience was egging her on. Don’t come for us unless we send for you, Whitney. How very dare you blame the audience.

Whitney has decided that using alcohol as a crutch is so passé. She says she’s been using alcohol as a clutch. Like a clutch bag, I guess. Anyway, she wants us to know that alcohol is no longer serving her, she’s serving it. And I have no idea what that means. Is she cutting back? Has she stopped drinking? Is she becoming a bartender? Who’s to say. What we can say is that Whitney loves a play on words, even if it makes no damn sense what-so-ever. Whitney tells us that she went from social drinking to drinking to cope with personal problems. She’s been stuffing shit under her lumpy rug and now can’t walk on it. Welcome to the club, Whit! She’s resolved to apologise to Meredith and Lisa.

Over at Heather’s place, she’s making normal ass boring brownies with her daughter, Georgia. And while Georgia is currently visiting for spring break, Heather is psyched that her three adult daughters are a three hour plane ride away at college and nowhere near her house, not because she hates them, but because she’s spent the last 22 years of her life raising them sans partner, so you know, fair enough. Heather has PTSD of her daughters asking for help with their school work. They FaceTime one of Heather’s other daughters, Annabelle. They discuss that Heather has a date with her new boyfriend.

Heather is dating a biker dude, who we see rocking up all bikey-like, on a Harley Davidson, with a WWII Nazi helmet on and tattoos everywhere. And um, I don’t want to judge this guy straight off the bat, but he put his bike stand down with his hand, which I’ve literally never seen anyone do before. He looked like a cool biker dude riding up to her house. That biker essence all but dissolved as soon as he pushed that thing down with his, as Danny Pellegrino would say, grippers. He went full nerd alert. Like, use your foot, my guy. It’s called a kickstand for a reason. You don’t kick something with your hand. I don’t know why but that reeeeeeaaallly did not sit well with me.

BING BONG. Tripp, Heather’s biker boyfriend, comes in. Heather tells us that she met Tripp in 2016 and they had a very fast and tumultuous relationship. She caught him texting other girls, which to me doesn’t bode well for the future, even if that was a decade ago. They do say that people change, but do they really change all that much? I’m unsure. Heather’s daughter comes down while they’re cosied up on the couch, with a notepad? Question mark? I guess she’s here to do some investigating, which would appear to be a great idea, seeing as how he’s been dishonest in the past.

Georgia in a testimonial with Heather describes Heather’s dating life, pre Tripp, as dryer than the Utah desert. A euphemism which I’ll never un-hear. Georgia has questions for Tripp. She says she saw his motorcycle out the window. He asks what she thinks. And I’m preparing myself to hear her go into a full line of questioning around why the fuck he used his hand to put his kickstand down. And does he even really own that motorcycle, or is this whole biker look a facade because you actually love Star Wars and don’t want people to think you’re a nerd? I’d just like to point out that I love Star Wars and nerds. I’m literally married to one. So I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. It’s just some people pretend to not like the things they actually like because of the perception of it all and how people will judge them. I feel this way about Tripp because he’s trying awfully hard to make himself look like a quote unquote ‘bad boy’.

Georgia questions her mother’s mental faculties when it comes to her choice in men. We also learn that Heather lied and told her daughters that Tripp is a Swifty. I’m not even sure why she would lie about something like that. That seems completely off-base with the persona he’s trying to portray, probably the most blatant lie you could tell about him. Also why are you lying to your daughters about him? You’re a grown ass woman, Heather! You can bang all of the pretend bad boy bikies in Utah, if you so desire.

We then find out that he hasn’t passed the Grey cat test. And you know what? That right there for me would be a deal breaker. If my cat doesn’t like you, I don’t like you. My sweet little ginger cat loves pretty much everyone and will try to present his butt hole to almost every person he encounters, which is complimentary, a sign of affection and trust, to be clear. So if he doesn’t like someone, if I don’t see him trying to shove his pink sheriff’s badge in someone’s face, I know there’s something off there. Trust your cat, Heather! Trust your cat and trust your daughter. In all seriousness, Heather says he’s her dream man. He’s her wild boy that brings her wild joy, apparently. Yet another play on words, I can’t wrap my head around. Bad Weather are really hamming up the word play this season. Heather and Tripp ride off into the Utah night on a motorbike that I’m not certain he knows how to use. God speed.

Over at Bronwyn’s house, Muzzy, Bronwyn’s mother with the comma eyebrows, arrives. I guess she’s here to help Bronwyn sort through all of the shit lying around her house. She’s been on the run with her new boyfriend, Brandon, since splitting with Todd and now she’s dealing with the remnants of the travelling situation and also trying to pack to move out of her house. Bronwyn talks about not knowing what it is that she wants at this stage of her life. She says that she stayed with Todd for too long and she became a lesser version of herself.

Bronwyn is emotional talking to her mother about Todd and how she needs to file for divorce. Muzzy moves over to sit with Bronwyn and Bronwyn is taken aback by her mother’s warmth towards her, which is a woof and makes me kind of sad. But perhaps Muzzy has learned a thing or two from watching herself last season, because she does appear to be kinder and more understanding. Life truly is a learning journey. Bronwyn talks about her daughter being uncomfortable with her public relationship with the model, but Muzzy says she’s also super excited by the fact Bronwyn is buying her a house. And Bronwyn is all, uhhh yah, if you were buying me a house you could sleep with whomever you damn well please, Muzzy. With that Muzzy raises those comma eyebrows to the sky, as if to say ‘I’ve been through enough with you, so I will sleep with whomever I damn well please, regardless of the house situation’.

Later in the episode we see Meredith meeting up with Lisa at Lisa’s cocktail lounge. Meredith tells Lisa about attending the GLAAD awards because Brooks was nominated, but ultimately the award went to the kids on Southern Hospitality. Meredith says that she looks as young as they do now though because she’s had a facelift. Which makes me think about Ultimate Girls Trip and how Heather, Whitney and Angie were accusing Lisa of having a facelift. Lisa says she didn’t get one, but they don’t believe her and apparently they won’t drop the issue. To me Lisa looks the same as she has the whole time, so I believe her. But it’s like, who fucking cares if she did? It’s not like they wouldn’t get one. What are we doing here? Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw scalpels. Also, Heather owns a beauty clinic. Why would you shame someone for getting a face lift? None of it makes sense. Anyway, Meredith looks great. Her skin looks baby butt smooth and she’s glowing, so good for her.

Clearly Lisa is still in the midst of her grilled cheese kick because that’s what she orders from the menu. I’m concerned about Lisa’s diet. If all she’s eating is Wendy’s and grilled cheese sandwiches, I hate to think what’s going on with her bowels, honestly. Let’s hope she’s getting some chia seeds and kefir in where she can. Anyway, Lisa is telling Meredith about how John opened up to her about his struggles last year. She says that she feels under appreciated and also tells us how watching the scene of them at lunch last season made her feel like shit because he completely dismissed her feelings. Not to mention laughed straight in her face when Lisa said she was a good listener, which is pretty harsh.

They move on to talking about Whitney and how she must be embarrassed about how she acted at the drag brunch. Meredith says it is embarrassing and not surprising in the least. Both her and Lisa are saying that Whitney is kind of a joke, that what she says ‘doesn’t mean anything’ and that ‘no one takes her seriously’. Lisa says she exhibits clown-like behaviour. This is the mean girl shit I don’t love about these two. I understand Whitney talks crap about them, which she obviously shouldn’t do, but to me, this just shows how much better they think they are in comparison to Whitney. They may as well call her trash, just like Heather ‘Fancypants’ Dubrow did about Carmella on Real Housewives of OC.

Lisa says that if it weren’t for keeping the peace for the sake of Mary and Robert Junior’s service, she wouldn’t be in the same room as Whitney. They both say that she lacks credibility, which I don’t think is entirely true, although Whitney has said some pretty horrible things about both of their marriages. I don’t know which side I sit on with this situation. They all say and do pretty horrible things to each other and I wonder why they’re even friends. Then I remember they’re on a TV show together and you’re watching the Real Housewives, Natalie. GET WITH THE PROGRAMME. LITERALLY. Apologies, I hate to spiral into a state where I’m talking to myself in the third person.

Moving on, we see Mary walking around looking for her son’s dog, Kray. Annnnnnd I’m already crying again. She finds the dog in Robert Junior’s room, because he misses him. Obviously. I hate it. I hate all of it. That silly dog makes me so sad. The dog doesn’t make Mary sad though. She says that because her son had such a special bond with Kray, he brings comfort to her and that he is a blessing, which is beautiful. Mary truly seems so strong. I guess that’s what faith gives you.

Mary talks about not wanting to go to a dark place and even though she’s crying, she doesn’t want to because it doesn’t do any good. She tells us that Robert Junior was her best friend and that the love he showed her was unparalleled. My heart absolutely breaks for Mary. She tells us that his service was beautiful. She gets a BING BONG on the door and Meredith comes in. All the ladies gather at Mary’s house to support her.

They all talk about how magical the service was with the band playing and everyone singing. They celebrated the life that Robert Junior lived. Mary says she ultimately feels at peace because her son is no longer struggling. She thanks them all for being there for her and that they are her family. Mary talks about both her sister and brother not attending Robert Junior’s service, which is wild. I know she has talked about how fractured her family became after her grandmother passed away and left the church to her, but for them to not put their differences aside after such a tragic thing happening is absolutely insane.

Mary goes through the ladies one by one thanking them. She didn’t ask for these bitches, but she got them.

Anyway, that’s it for today.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!