The Valley S3E11

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we’re invited to a James Bond party, but what we find ourselves at is more of a Schmames Schmond party. Let’s dive back into The Valley Episode 11.

We open with Janet and Lala visiting Brittany post-surgery. Janet has bought Brittany a bag of spaghetti because why the fuck not. This program never ceases to produce scenes that are completely jarring to one's eye. Apparently Brittany has no containers, which seems wild to me. I’m accumulating containers faster than I can get rid of them and I wish I wasn’t. There’s enough plastic in the world. Anyway, Brittany is talking about her balls again and Lala’s face is exactly how I feel. She’s going to vomit, I’m going to vomit, please tuck the balls in and never bring them out again, Brittany. They discuss Brandon and his lack of commitment to looking after Brittany. She says she doesn’t like to make things about herself, but she’s just had surgery and is only asking for three days. That’s really not asking much.

Meanwhile Jesse and Lacy are strolling through a food market where they meet Kristen and Luke at a pickle stand. Kristen is obsessed with pickles. I like a good pickle, but I don’t know about using one as the base for other food like bread or crackers. I feel like there needs to be another element there. Perhaps we put it on bread? I guess nobody eats carbs in LA. Kristen is leading the pickle propaganda train while Lacy wants absolutely nothing to do with them, not even if they were hand-picked by God himself. Jesse and Luke are eating pickles and wanting to touch tips. Jesse says "just the tip though" followed by "boys will be boys", an expression that makes me sick to my stomach. Everyone thinks you’re a misogynist when you say shit like that, Jesse. Back with Brittany, Lala and Janet, Brittany says neither Nia nor Danny have reached out in person after her surgery despite commenting on her social posts, which is weird if they’re actually friends. We also learn Nia didn’t add Janet to the meal train. I don’t want to be an asshole because I’m actually enjoying Janet this season, but she did just bring Brittany spaghetti in a bag, so perhaps Nia was correct to leave her off. I’m sure it tastes great, but all that sauce in a bag is a recipe for disaster. It reminds me of takeaway curry in parts of Southeast Asia. Liquid in bags is just a lot for me physically. Brittany debates confronting Nia and Danny but doesn’t want a repeat of last season, while Janet wants Nia to let her rage out because apparently an angry Nia turns her on a little.

Back at the pickle stand, Jesse — the man who wants everyone to stop talking about Danny’s drinking — brings up Danny’s drinking again. When Lacy defends Danny, Jesse says she hasn’t seen dark-side Danny yet. Hmmmm Jesse, it’s giving flip-flop. Is he trying to produce? What’s the motive? Lacy argues she’s seen worse behaviour from drunk people and says Brittany and Michelle screaming "fuck you" at her was worse. That might be true if we didn’t know the details of Danny’s behaviour, but we do. He grabbed Jasmine’s thigh, told her to get daddy a drink, grabbed Melissa’s ass and was aggressive toward both Nia and Lala. To me, that’s worse than an ex yelling "fuck you", especially when you were sending cease and desists. Let’s get some perspective. Jesse then floats his conspiracy theory that Brittany is helping Jax take Danny down. Kristen isn’t buying it, thank God, although she still has plenty of energy when it comes to defending Danny and Nia.

Elsewhere Zack and Jasmine are having drinks while Jasmine stresses about wedding planning. Melissa is apparently related to half of New Jersey and the wedding is going to be expensive as fuck, which sounds like my worst nightmare. We had eight people at our wedding and even that was too much for me. Jasmine asks Zack if he’ll be part of the wedding. He assumes that means maid of honour, but apparently not. I’m still not entirely sure what role she’s offering him. They start discussing marriage, kids and where they’ll settle down before Zack brings up the latest visa news requiring a huge payment for certain foreign spouse situations. I guess we can say goodbye to 90 Day Fiancé, although given one of its cast members later appeared on Worst Ex Ever after beating his ex-wife, maybe that’s for the best. What the fuck, TLC? Then again, they’ve always been in the business of putting people’s lives at risk. The Learning Channel my ass. They’ll probably just pivot to more 90 Day: The Other Way anyway. Back to Zack and Jasmine, Zack gets emotional wondering how they make things work without marriage, while Jasmine tries to reassure him.

Danny and Zack meet up to buy an anniversary gift for Nia. Zack is wondering where the diamonds are while Danny talks about getting a vasectomy. Nia will be away and her mother will apparently be looking after him, which is incredibly weird to me. Danny is worried about caring for three children while recovering. I have no idea how bad vasectomy recovery is, but I assume Danny will act like it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to a human being because that seems very on-brand. They discuss Zack’s proposed birthday trip before moving onto Schwartz’s party. Zack asks whether Danny has been drinking less since he skipped drinks at Zack’s event. Danny looks him dead in the eye and says he didn’t drink. Danny, why are you lying? There was a camera there. This will come up at the reunion. There is genuinely no helping this man.

At Schwartz’s place, he’s watering the forest living inside his townhouse, which his dogs have apparently been pissing all over. I can’t imagine how that house smells. Lala arrives and they head to the rooftop where the party will be held. Schwartz admits it looks fratty and honestly it does. The theme is James Bond, yet somehow it looks less like Casino Royale and more like a student flat. Schwartz agrees he couldn’t be further from James Bond if he tried. He then suggests climbing onto Jax’s roof for a tour. Lala quite sensibly declines. Nobody wants to be anywhere near that demon’s house. Schwartz explains Jax will be out of town so Brittany won’t have to worry. They also discuss a recent night out with Jesse and Danny, leading into another conversation about Danny’s drinking. Apparently Danny told them he and Nia had discussed being more inconspicuous about his drinking after last season. Lala immediately wants to know how hiding it better is supposed to help. An excellent question.

As Brittany gets ready with Lala and Janet, she reveals Brandon has been FaceTiming another woman and asking her for money. Lala says Brittany needs to work on herself before jumping into another relationship because Jax completely destroyed her self-esteem and now she’s attracting the wrong men. Over at the party, Schwartz surveys his decorations and says exactly what everyone at home is thinking: "It looks like shit." Then he upgrades that to "it looks like trash." I laughed out loud. Apparently he spent hundreds of dollars on decorations, but all I can see is a tiny roulette wheel, giant novelty playing cards, a wrinkled craps mat and random gold beads scattered everywhere. When Lala suggested outsourcing, he really should have listened.

The guests arrive dressed for an entirely different event. Jason limps up the stairs on crutches, then basically turns around and leaves. Jesse and Lacy seem shocked that Schwartz’s version of James Bond doesn’t include valet parking, specialty cocktails and wait staff. Michelle has turned her wedding ring into a necklace, which is beautiful, although she somehow thinks Jesse won’t notice despite them attending the same party. Zack announces a birthday trip to Mexico because apparently these people need sunshine and Jesus. Danny and Nia arrive and Schwartz immediately makes Danny a cocktail. Lala points out Schwartz has always been a drunken fuckboy apologist, whether it’s Sandoval, Jax, Kyle, West, James Kennedy or now Danny. Brittany then arrives in a novelty tuxedo sweatshirt, which is honestly more on theme than everyone else. She wants credit for attending despite surgery, pain and the fact the party is basically next door to Jax. All I can think about is Schwartz failing to defend her during that dinner with Jesse and Danny.

Jesse immediately spots Michelle’s necklace. He claims he wanted the ring money to go into a trust for Isabella’s education, but considering his money issues, I’m not convinced. Michelle was married to you for five years. She earned the necklace. Brittany eventually climbs what feels like her third staircase of the evening only to discover furniture she believes Jax stole from her. She also announces she and Brandon are over. Zack is politely supportive to her face, but in confessionals he’s practically screaming "I told you so." Meanwhile Nia apologises for the meal train fiasco. Lala wants to know why Janet wasn’t included. Nia says they’re not friends, though someone else could have added her. Once again I’m picturing the spaghetti bag.

Downstairs, Jasmine, Danny and Kristen are also debating the meal train. Jasmine argues that as good Christian people, they should do the right thing and include Janet. I’m actually with Jasmine. More people in the meal train means more food for Brittany and Cruz. You don’t need to be best friends. Danny and Kristen lose their minds over the suggestion. The fact that these people are having a full-scale war over a meal train for a woman recovering from liposuction and a breast reduction while walking around with bloody ball sacks in her pants is objectively hilarious. The issue is mostly resolved upstairs until Kristen storms in to defend Nia and reignites everything. She declares everyone wants the pit bull until the pit bull turns on them. Kristen, Lala does not require a pit bull.

Eventually Janet decides she’s had enough and heads out. Michelle follows her, saying she loves her but wishes she wouldn’t always leave. Then Luke appears from nowhere to defend Danny and Nia. He’s furious that Janet never apologised for repeating allegations about Danny’s behaviour. Janet argues she believed the people who experienced it. Trying to stay calm, she eventually blurts out, "Did you see what Charles Manson did to know he was a psychopath?" I understand the point she’s making, but it’s not helping. Sure enough, Luke immediately responds as though she just called Danny Charles Manson. Luke genuinely does not understand hyperbole.

Finally, Jesse and Michelle sit down for yet another exhausting conversation. He wants to know why she cried during their coffee shop divorce discussion when she later said she felt relief. Michelle explains she was crying for both reasons because, shockingly, multiple emotions can exist at once. She reminds him they’re not divorcing because the marriage was sunshine and lollipops. They’re divorcing because it was toxic and he treated her terribly. Michelle starts crying again and says she just wants to leave. Honestly, I feel awful for her. On her way out, Schwartz immediately asks whether she’s crying and escorts her downstairs. Michelle explains it’s hard seeing Jesse show affection to Lacy because she always wanted him to be that version of himself with her, but he never was.

Anyway, that’s it for this week. Enjoy the weekend!

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!