House of Stassi S1E2

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we get to watch Beau fall deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. Let’s get into House of Stassi Episode 2.

Stassi gives us an overview of what she’s got going on in this episode. Georgi is moving into their house, they have the Stranger Things premiere, she’s hosting the Tell Me Lies podcast and they have Teddy and Georgia’s birthday. She says she’s busy, which seems like an understatement. A producer asks about the Queen Mary and I can only assume this is the dinner that everyone is talking about at the end of the series, which looks like it’s on a fake Titanic. Is that what the Queen Mary is? Not really sure why anyone would want to go on that, but… OK. Anywho, Stassi says “stay tuned”. Over at Stassi and Beau’s house, Beau is making Bloody Marys. Georgia tells Stassi she’s not a fan because she doesn’t think you should reduce tomatoes to a cocktail. I, on the other hand, love Bloody Marys. They’re one of the only savoury cocktails out there. While we’re on the subject, why are there not more savoury cocktails? I’m really not a fan of the super sugary ones. I guess martinis could be considered savoury, but they’re like pure alcohol. We need more savoury cocktails that go well with like cheese, crackers and meats. The only gripe I have with Bloody Marys is that they vary a lot from place to place. They’re a very inconsistent cocktail. One bar you could have it with added pickle juice and a pickle on a stick. Another could have zero Tabasco sauce, which is clearly not a real Bloody Mary. I like mine spicy. And they always come with different edible arrangements on the side. Off the top of my head, I’ve had olives, pickles, celery, lemon slices, orange slices, lime quarters, jalapeños, cocktail onions, cherry tomatoes. I’ve even had one with a tiny sausage on a stick. That’s a step too far in my opinion, although I’m not really a sausage person.

Anyway, Stassi tells us yet again that Beau’s sister Georgia is staying with them, and now they have Stassi’s sister Georgi moving in. Neither of them seem stoked about this situation. We see a shot of Stassi and Beau coming into their kitchen and Georgia is just hanging out in her bra. Beau is all, “uhhh, can you put on a shirt?” I’m ok with people staying at my house for a few days, maybe a week, but any longer than that and I get a little stir crazy. I’m an introvert, so I need time to myself to recover from people. Also, I’d be a little weirded out if one of my relatives was cruising around my house in their undies. I guess the sisters are staying there to be on the show? Also, I believe they were invited? Soooo really a consequence of Stassi’s own actions. Georgi arrives and she’s holding a giant rainbow doll’s house. At first I think it’s hers because, as Stassi said, she’s moving in. But no, she’s made it for Hartford. It’s a very impressive doll house and it’s huge. Stassi wonders why she can’t make any money off of the cool shit she makes. I sympathise with Georgi because I like to make a lot of shit too and I feel like I’ve had similar questions on why I haven’t turned it into a business etc. The thing is, it’s not exactly cheap to make stuff like that. You have to buy all of the materials before you see any return on investment. Creative stuff can be hard to market, which in turn makes it hard to sell, especially if it’s custom made. And then to ship it to someone is like a whole other kettle of fish. But I assume Georgi would have at least tried selling stuff on Etsy. She’s obviously very talented. I don’t know. It seems like both Georgi and Stassi are anxious about this living situation, which truly seems like a bad idea because I feel like if they have a rocky relationship to begin with, it’s only going to get worse.

Beau and Rob have beef, about football of all things. As if I didn’t think sports was stupid enough as it is, now apparently you are supposed to congratulate your friends about their quote unquote “teams” winning? Beau’s right. That shit is silly AF. Stassi tells us it’s not really about the pasta, I mean football. As a producer on the show, she wants them to know that this is inconvenient for the show. Beau doesn’t want to talk to Rob because he’s stubborn, to which Stassi says, “life gets waaaay easier when you choose not to be”, which is actually fucking hilarious coming from Stassi, truly one of the more stubborn people on reality TV. I say that being a stubborn bitch myself. Beau would rather put his focus into the Stranger Things premiere than his friendship, which makes me think they’re not really friends. Anyway, we see Taylor and Teddi arrive at The Pump Station. Taylor tells us she’s a little worried about whether her relationship will survive reality TV, and I guess it’s a pretty legit concern. The only housewife I can think of who is still married to the same person after a decent stint on TV is Lisa Rinna, married to Harry Hamlin. Oh, and The Grand Dame, Karen Huger, married to Ray, of course. Although there has been speculation that a lot of housewives have gone on the show to end their relationship. Anywho, Taylor and Teddi are at The Pump Station to learn how to get the milk flowing to breastfeed. I love when you’re pregnant and people make breastfeeding seem like the easiest, most natural thing in the world. It’s not. I mean, it wasn’t for me at least, and I’ve heard from a lot of other mothers that it wasn’t for them either. Obviously you can work at it, but there are a lot of variables at play. If I were to give someone advice in the time of trying to breastfeed, it would be don’t be too hard on yourself and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving your baby formula. Advice that I was given, but because I’m a stubborn fucking bitch, didn’t receive very well. I was super hard on myself. All it did was make me feel like shit and because I was trying to pump every 2 hours or something ridiculous, I was totally sleep deprived.

Anyway, Teddy says a phrase to Taylor that I’ve literally never heard in my life. She says, “you said you wanted to be a 20% parent”. I would love to know what that means. Whyyyyyy have a baby if you only want to be there for 20% of… its life? Of the time? I literally have no idea what to even think about that. If you’re living with your wife and the baby, by pure proximity, there is no way you can only contribute 20%. I guess unless she’s going to be living somewhere else. She also says she’s going to be really mad at the baby if she doesn’t have time to get a tan, to which I say, go get a spray tan. It’s more time effective and you don’t run the risk of skin cancer. I know she’s joking, but I’m not sure this is all coming across the way she’s envisioning. Ultimately Taylor tells us that she’s basically scared shitless. She’s already Stassi’s bitch and now she’s apparently going to be Teddy’s bitch too. I’d like to also add, you will be the baby’s bitch as well. But you know what? You could be in worse positions, Taylor. Over at Stassi’s house, she’s getting ready for the Stranger Things premiere, which I guess she’s been manifesting since she was ten. Stassi finds out that Netflix wants to start streaming her podcast. She’s like, “duh, of course I want to take it”. This seems to come at the expense of Beau’s mental health because he runs to the kitchen and immediately starts pouring rosé, and not in like a celebratory way. I’m a little confused as to why both Beau and Stassi can’t work. I get they want to be there for their children, or at least Stassi wants Beau to be there for their children. But like, there are millions, billions, of families that have children and both parents have to work. It seems more than a little selfish to not let Beau go back to work when he so desperately wants to. Could they not at least try to make it work? Stassi says she will pay Beau not to go back to work, which seems completely besides the point. Worse yet, it’s a net loss for their finances. In other words, pointless. Beau doesn’t want money. He wants sense of self, something most parents struggle with. Also, neither of you have to do the cooking and cleaning! If you’re both making that money, hire someone?

Georgi and Rob meet up to grab coffee together. They’re apparently good friends, but both have been told not to date each other. Georgi says she’s not attracted to Rob, but it would seem they’ve been banging for 6 months, unless that was a joke? Georgi tells us that she is sharing a bed with Beau’s sister Georgia, which the whole ass internet is perplexed by. Stassi’s house looks huge, so the confusion is justified. I have no idea what’s going on there, but apparently Georgia has a bunch of rules for Georgi: no skin residue in the bed, open the window before removing skin residue, make bed, no phones in the bedroom. We get a shot of them both in the bedroom and I have to say, the bedroom is pretty small and dark. At that point, you’d find me on the couch with my phone charging right beside me as I sleep peacefully, alone. There’s no way I’d be dealing with that shit. Georgi thinks it’s hilarious that Stassi’s kids, AKA her niece and nephew, have made her no longer want children. She’s saying she didn’t sign up to look after their kids and she wants to put herself first, which I get, but you’re staying at their house, I can only assume rent free. And you’re getting a pay cheque from this show, right? Both Georgi and Georgia seem like selfish ungrateful assholes to me. Am I wrong? I mean, I am only on episode two, so who knows. Given how flustered Beau seemed, like, you could help out a little. If you’re the main character in your own life, maybe think about living somewhere other than your big sister’s basement. Just a thought. Georgi also feels like Stassi’s bitch, right there along with Taylor. I guess they both kind of are because they’re on a show called House of Stassi. Rob says, “it does feel like it’s their world and we’re just living in it”. Again, you’re on a show called House of STASSI. I know from the trailer that Stassi calls Georgi an ungrateful wench. To be honest, I feel like everyone on this show is acting like an ungrateful wench, including Stassi. Stassi is ungrateful for Beau and vice versa. Taylor, Georgi, Georgia and Rob are ungrateful that they are on this show. They want to be on a show with their name in the title. Unfortunately for them, we haven’t seen them rip people apart for 8 seasons on Vanderpump Rules. Pay your dues and then we can talk. Rob talks about his friendship with Beau. Unfortunately this is a friendship I’m not invested in sooo, moving on.

Stassi arrives to host her podcast about the show Tell Me Lies. Apparently the relationship on the show was modelled on Jax and Stassi’s relationship. I haven’t seen Tell Me Lies. But the guy that is based on Jax is a pathological sociopath who remorselessly uses, manipulates, and destroys everyone around him purely to protect his own future and maintain psychological control. Soooo yeah, pretty on point I would say. In other news, Beau shows up at Taylor’s house with what they would call a “coochi mould” on Workaholics. A plastic vagina, with which you get to emulate the birth giving process. Fun stuff. Straight off the bat it would seem Taylor wants nothing to do with it. Beau couldn’t watch his children being birthed out of his wife’s vagina, which I can only assume he’s looked at hundreds of times. I do find it extremely immature if a man can’t watch their child being born. It’s part of being human. We’ve been doing it for approximately 300,000 years. The fragility of it all is what gets me. Your partner is physically experiencing the most difficult thing that she will probably ever do, and you can’t stomach it to watch? OKAY. Taylor questions whether this weird, fully amputated pelvis is portraying what an actual vagina looks like. Beau is all, “uhh you’re a lesbian and you’re telling me you do know what a vagina looks like?” She says she closes her eyes and dives in. She then explains again how she thought she was straight and meeting Teddy she realised differently. She fell into her vagina, and it was wonderful. To which I say, if it is wonderful, why the fuck are you closing your eyes? Taylor then says another line which I’m confused by. She says, “I’m not a doer” and that her wife “does everything”. I’m starting to wonder what Teddy sees in Taylor. Teddy has wanted a baby her whole life, according to Taylor, but Taylor only wants 20% involvement. Teddy already apparently does everything, and now she will have to do everything in terms of the baby too. The writing is seemingly on the wall for this relationship.

It would appear that Taylor struggles with organising a gift, cake and some balloons. Seriously, wait until you have a five year old daughter. Shit’s gonna get waaaay more intense birthday party-wise. Brace yourself. Taylor asks Beau what’s up with him. He’s fucking depressed, Taylor. That’s what’s up. I don’t want to say poor Beau because he’s in a position of extreme privilege and from what I can tell he does tend to victimise himself. But the man is clearly in a state, right? Anyway, we arrive at Hamburger Mary’s for Teddy and Georgia’s birthday party. The theme of the party is “GAY”. It would be hard to have any other kind of theme at Hamburger Mary’s, I would say. Rob and Beau share an awkward hug. The birthday girls arrive and the festivities begin. Rob pulls Beau for a chat. Rob says that Beau’s message about the football shit being silly hurt his feelings. And while I do agree that getting upset about someone not congratulating you on your football team winning is super silly, I’m kind of on Rob’s side with this whole thing. From Rob’s perspective, he’s 49 with no partner, no kids. He probably only has a few main priorities I’m assuming. One of them I guess being football. And he’s trying to express to Beau that he feels dismissed by him and that his feelings are hurt by that. Meanwhile Beau is just like, “you’re childish”, when Rob is correct. In reality, Beau is being the childish one by not being able to open up and express how he actually feels about the situation. He’s just deflecting by calling Rob childish. Stassi says she wants their friendship back on track so Rob can distract Beau from wanting to go back to work, with cocktails. I don’t think Rob is enough to distract Beau from his very apparent depression, and cocktails certainly aren’t going to help. I know that from experience. Clearly these men have nothing in common, but Stassi is gonna need them to build a bridge if they want to be on this show.

This whole TV show seems to be about how people are feeling about being on this TV show. I assume it will get less about that as the episodes go on? I’ve seen a lot of chat online about the fourth wall breaking, for good or for bad. I’m unsure how I feel about it. Taylor tells Stassi that Beau is really struggling and that she needs to support him going back to work. She says he cried about it at her house the other day. Stassi seems blindsided by this information, but like, we’ve seen Beau bring up the work stuff multiple times to her. So I’m confused when she’s saying he doesn’t talk to her about this stuff. Now Stassi is crying. All of these people seem miserable. At a birthday party WITH DRAG QUEENS. How can you be depressed when you’re in the company of drag queens? What a sad, sad state of affairs. Beau and Stassi go home. Stassi addresses the elephant in the room, being Beau’s unhappiness. He says that “he doesn’t feel good about himself about where he’s at, he’s overwhelmed and has a dark void in his gut” and then says that he’s happy, which is laughable. Stassi says, “no, you’re not”. He says, “well I’m not all caps happy”. He thinks he’s title case happy. Stassi thinks he’s lower case, Comic Sans happy, which is sad. But I would go as far as to say that Beau is lower case Curlz MT happy, which is a parody of happiness, truly the saddest font of all. Now all I can hear in my head is Krusty the Clown singing “send in the clowns”.

Much like Ashley on the Real Housewives of Rhode Island, Stassi is trying to get Beau to embrace his Instagram following and become an influencer. He now looks more depressed than ever. Stassi wants Beau to dream bigger than casting jobs. The thing is, just because Beau isn’t dreaming of what Stassi is dreaming of, doesn’t make his dream null and void, or his happiness. Let the man do what he wants to do! Jeeeeez. Beau says his love language is physical touch. I’d prefer men just didn’t even bother saying what their love language is because I genuinely think they don’t get it. Without asking, because there’s no way in hell I’m going to, I automatically assume that every man’s love language is physical touch and it is about sex, which is totally fine. We all have needs! We end the episode with Stassi telling us that Beau is her safety blanket, her rock. She questions whether he might leave her for a younger person who’s love language is physical touch. And I’m not going to make a similar sweeping statement and say no woman has the love language physical touch. But Beau might end up in a relationship with a younger man, who knows? It could happen!

Anyway, that’s it for today. Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna bee ya!