The Valley S3 E17 & 18 and Reunion Part 1
Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Because I was away for two weeks, I missed the last two episodes of The Valley, so today I’m gonna be catching up on the last two episodes and then diving into the reunion part 1. I don’t know how I’ve never noticed this before, probably because I don’t actually watch the screen when the opening credits are on, but Danny and Nia’s car that they’re washing has ‘4 under 4’ on their number plate, which is really not the flex they think it is. In episode 17, we see Zack and Benji having a serious conversation about kids. Kids for Benji are a nonnegotiable, but Zack isn’t sure whether he wants kids at this point or not. Not to be a complete asshole about the situation, but perhaps the reason Zack isn’t sure whether he wants children may have something to do with the people he’s surrounded himself with? Is that too harsh? I dunno. I’m not saying all of these people are bad parents, most of them seem to be great parents, but a lot of them, post kids, now find themselves in broken relationships. Which is tough to see and not exactly inspiring for someone who’s in an earlier phase of life, pre marriage, pre children.
Anyway, Danny asked his kid where ‘Daddy’s owie is’, which made me want to fucking vomit all over myself. Apparently Danny’s procedure was an anniversary gift, to which I say to Nia, you need to get your money back, girl. Get a refund, get a refund on the man, get a fucking refund on this life, okay. Michelle and Jesse sat down and signed their divorce papers. Two years to get a divorce is crazy. I don’t know what the normal timing is, I don’t know if there is such thing as normal timing, but like, two years is way too long, which is evident by Michelle’s tears. Although thinking about someone like Bethenny Frankel, she was in the process of divorce for like 8 years, so by comparison 2 years seems like nothing. What a goddamn nightmare scenario 8 years is. That Hoppy man was a monster, probably still is. I digress. I actually cried watching this scene with Michelle and Jesse, mainly when Jesse was talking about their daughter, Isabella, and he said the thing about only having memory for your child, which is so true. I barely remember what happened in the 35 years before my daughter was born. Is that what Jesse meant? Okay, I’ve just gone back and watched the scene and done some Googling, and no, that’s not what he meant. The quote he’s referring to is from the 2014 movie Interstellar with Matthew McConaughey. The quote is, ‘Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.’ Pretty deep, and kind of the opposite of what I was talking about with my own memory loss. Ayyy yeee yeee.
Anyway, Michelle, Lala, Schwartz and Kiana go on some tiki bar boat situation. Schwartz offers to help bartend, not only does this offend the actual bartender, who questions whether she’s doing a bad job, but also, Schwartz is a fucking horrific bartender. I know he’s owned a bar and part owned another bar, but seriously, all I’m getting are flashbacks of when he tried to help Lisa out with a Pride event at her bar Pump. He had a fucking panic attack and ran out. I can’t imagine he’s improved much since then. On said tiki bar boat, Michelle tells them that she has a date with a comedian, Max Amini, who I’ve not heard of, but he looks pretty famous. Michelle knows how to get those celebrity hookups. I guess that’s what selling 7+ million dollar houses will get you, that and a pretty tidy commission. Schwartz brings up the god awful ‘balls voyage’ party. He talks about how Jesse let them know how Janet had mentioned a past traumatic experience and how this had opened his eyes to why she was so sensitive about Danny’s behaviour. Schwartz talks about how Luke and Danny reacted poorly to Jesse’s newfound empathy for Janet. To be clear, Luke and Danny are not men that believe women. They are not men that believe victims.
Schwartz goes on to say that he had lunch with Kristen and told her about what Jesse had said and how Luke and Danny acted, and inexplicably, it would seem, Kristen is on the same side as them. Remember a few weeks ago when Kristen quoted Maya Angelou in a confessional, saying ‘when people show you who they are you should believe them’ and then called Janet an asshole? Well, here Kristen is showing us who she is, a person that apparently doesn’t believe women. As a person who has always been a fan of Kristen in the past, it’s extremely disappointing to hear Kristen say ‘she’s never told me about that situation.’ Whether Janet has told you or not is completely besides the point. Victims can stay silent about things they’ve been through for YEARS. Some will be silent their WHOLE LIVES. And it’s because of shit like this, they don’t want the scrutiny of fucking assholes like this. Lala is correct, Kristen’s hatred for Janet is clouding her judgment. Kristen is like Théoden, the King of Rohan in The Lord of the Rings, and her hatred is the slimy little weasely Wormtongue in her ear controlling her mind. I’m not sure why I thought of that reference. Apparently Lord of the Rings lives rent free in my head.
We see Kristen and Luke going to therapy. They discussed how difficult pregnancy was and now having a newborn. Kristen explains that both of them feel as though they’re on the back foot. They move on to talking about getting married and how Luke basically changed his mind on that. Kristen wants to know how his feelings towards her have changed so dramatically, and Luke says, ‘when we got engaged, I hadn’t met pregnant Kristen yet.’ This is the mother of his child and fiancé, not to mention he’s saying it in front of a third party, which is what therapy is all about, but she was visibly disturbed by this notion. Luke has basically just told us that he hated pregnant Kristen, and now Kristen is talking about how Luke wants another baby, like now, STAT. What in the literally fucking hell is happening? Luke is constantly bitching that he doesn’t get to drink, fuck and fish. Does he think he’ll be able to do those things more with two children?? WHY ARE MEN?! Why. Are. Men. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills over here. Luckily, for my mental health, the next scene is of Brittany and Cruz playing in his sensory room. What an adorable kid.
We see Janet, Lala, Michelle, Zack, Jasmine, Brittany and Lacy arrive at Chili’s for lunch. Janet tells us that Chili’s has 4,000 locations in America. I’m assuming that’s in the US. That’s 76 restaurants per state, which is fucking insane if that’s correct. The food and drinks start arriving and while I’m sure most of this food would give me a bowel obstruction, I am kinda jealous. I have to admit it looks good! Zack is still sticking up for Danny, which I hate. He says he needs to pee but actually he shits himself, which to me is instant karma. That’s what you get for being on the trolls side, Zack! Also, he said he threw away his underwear and went back to sitting at the table after shitting himself. Surely some of it would’ve gone through to the trousers, no? Annnnnd now I feel physically sick.
Brittany had a photoshoot to show the progress of her mommy makeover. At the photoshoot, Brittany, Lala and Kristen discuss the divide in the group and how they’re disappointed in Kristen isolating herself. The fact that Kristen and Nia can’t get over the Janet of it all is so fucking annoying. I’d love for Nia and Danny to be booted off The Valley, in the hopes that we can get the Kristen Doute we know and love back. The Kristen that doesn’t have her whole head shoved up Nia’s ass. Without Nia, I believe Kristen would make a conscious effort to move forward with Janet. At the end of the episode, Lala meets up with Kristen to talk. She mentions how Schwartz had told them that Kristen wasn’t receptive to Janet’s experience. Lala seemingly gets through to Kristen, and Kristen tells us that she feels empathy for any woman who has gone through something like that, which I believe. It’s just very much not coming across that way in relation to Janet, which makes me sad, because they were friends at one point. It’s true that Janet having trauma has nothing to do with why her and Kristen aren’t friends, but Lala is asking you to separate the reason you aren’t friends, being the Danny stuff, with the trauma that Janet has been through and empathise with that. Now I’m feeling like Kristen doesn’t actually get it. I don’t know. The proof will be in the pudding, I guess.
Anyway, moving on to Episode 18. Everyone is getting into the Halloween spirit. We see Kristen putting up Halloween decorations outside and Luke brings Kaia out. Kaia drops her dummy onto the ground and Kristen uses her mouth to clean the dummy, which is a technique I’ve definitely never seen used before. I truly don’t think that’s going to make it anymore hygienic. Kristen and Luke talk about their therapy session, and Luke was not happy with the end result because he felt defensive the whole time. Which tells me that he felt like the therapist and Kristen were attacking him, which they weren’t. They were asking you to express yourself. He also doubles down on the fact that he hates pregnant Kristen, all while still claiming that he wants a second child. He says he wants to get the second pregnancy out of the way so they can put the pregnant Kristen ‘to rest, lock her up in a coffin.’ The scariest thing to me is that he doesn’t seem to clock that what he has said is fucked up. He’s just like, ‘what? Let’s be done with her’, even though ‘pregnant Kristen’ is a part of Kristen Kristen. I’m also super perplexed at how Luke thinks that this shit is all about him. Does he care whether Kristen was in a dark place? She was the pregnant one after all. There’s no way in hell I would have a second child with a man who; A. Hated my pregnant self. B. Had zero empathy for me while I was pregnant. C. Has zero empathy for me postpartum. And D. Seemingly only cares about his own fucking shit, i.e. fishing. I’m sorry if this makes me sound like a straight up cunt, but I could literally care less if Luke had never been in a darker place in his life. Get your shit together and take care of the women in your life, being your fiancé and daughter!
And again, I find myself pulled out of the darkness that resides inside Luke by watching another adorable kid scene, Michelle playing with her daughter Isabella. Her daughter is so unbelievably cute. I’ve actually loved watching Michelle on this season of The Valley. I find her refreshing, and I’ve never noticed that about her in previous seasons. Maybe it’s because she’s single? I don’t know. I love it. She’s setting goals for herself to sell 50 million in real estate next year and buying herself a house, which we love to see. Jesse and Lacy go to a fertility clinic. Lacy tells us that she’s been dealing with stage 4 endometriosis. My ignorant ass was over here not even knowing that there’s different stages of endometriosis. She wants to freeze her eggs, even though Jesse is trying to get her to create embryos with him. What the fuck is it with these men literally getting their semen into everything? Speaking of semen, is anyone watching the Real Housewives of OC? I really need to express how weirded out I was when Vicky was telling her son to freeze his sperm. I can’t be the only one that found it weird. Between that and Craig Connover wanting to do it, I’m grossed out. Why the fuck are we freezing sperm at all? There are 80 year old men having babies! Without doing any research whatsoever, I can confidently say that I’m sure even a 90 year old man has had a baby! Probably with a 20 year old!!!! Because why the fuck not? Why are we doing this? As humans, why we do such stupid shit honestly? There are enough assholes in this world that there is no requirement for the freezing of any semen! For the love of God. Anyway, Lacy tells Jesse to cool it and has to remind him that babies aren’t dolls. She’s trying to keep her options open. Good for her.
We arrive at the night of Brittany’s Halloween party. At Kristen and Luke’s place, Danny is terrorising everyone with his Count Bookula impression. This man couldn’t be more irritating. We see everyone arriving at Brittany’s place, which looks very cool. I wish more people celebrated Halloween to this extreme in New Zealand. I fucking love Halloween, looooove a dress up party. In other news, Danny will not let his Count Bookula schtick go. He’s annoying everyone, Michelle thinks most of all his wife. I’m sure she’s correct. Danny’s foolishness knows no bounds. Zack, Lala, Michelle, Janet and Brittany are discussing the fact that Kristen is saying Zack still hates Janet, and Zack tries to deflect by telling them all that he shit his pants when they were at Chili’s, which is honestly a great tactic, but Janet’s not having a bar of it. We’ve watched Danny enjoy all of the libations over the course of the night, and when Nia says to him, ‘you’re drunk’, he’s all, ‘I’m not drunk, you’re drunkkkkk’, slurring his words all over the place.
Jason tries to make out with another woman dressed exactly like Janet, probably because Janet refuses to suck his dick. Jasmine gets all the way turned up about a situation that doesn’t even concern her. She confronts Michelle about Jesse’s accusation that she’s actually been dating the comedian in secret for three months, which I’m not sure why anyone gives a flying fuck about. I get the concern for their daughter potentially getting attached to another person, but Michelle is saying that simply isn’t the case. If the daughter met him in passing at an open home, I don’t see the big deal. It’s definitely not worth anyone having a scream match, which is what ends up happening between Jasmine and Michelle’s friend Natalie. Then we see another screaming match in the kitchen between Kristen, Brittany and Lala because Kristen is denying what she said about Zack at the photoshoot. I guess everyone is taking the word art that says ‘release your inner demon’ a little too seriously. Danny tries to call Lala and Brittany dumb and dumber, but his drunk ass can’t even get the words out. Really fucking rich coming from you, Danny. He can barely fucking stand. The funniest scene this whole episode is watching Schwartz try to talk to the bartenders with his false fangs in. He’s always trying to make friends with a bartender, not that I can judge. I’ve made friends with a bartender or two in my time.
Janet and Lala think now is a great time to hold Danny accountable for his drunken foolishness when he’s completely fucked up on tequila. Danny is completely insufferable and I hope he gets annihilated at the reunion. The second funniest scene in this episode was watching Janet throw her drink at Danny’s face, which he completely deserved. The only bummer is that he didn’t melt into a puddle. Although that would make him as cool as Elphaba, and we all know that’s far from the case. Now Danny gets to be the victim and run around telling everyone Janet threw a drink at him. Nia completely overreacts. She has no idea the context. They decide to grab their baby, which is kind of fucking crazy that they even brought a four month old to this party, and leave. Good riddance.
Finally, we find ourselves at the reunion part one. We see everyone heading out onto the stage and we’re straight into it. I’m actually surprised we didn’t get more behind the scenes footage of people arriving, saying hi and getting into glam. Anyway, Andy is saying his hellos to everyone, and when he gets to Luke, Andy says, ‘I heard a little rumour that you have not watched any of the episodes from this past season’, which Luke confirms. This is where we as Bravo fans lose our fucking shit. I heard so many people express how annoyed they were that West and Amanda didn’t watch their last season, and rightfully so. You’re not even doing your job correctly at that point. What the hell is the point of a reunion for events that are so far past, you probably barely have any recollection of them? That’s why you watch, to catch yourself up. And even though I think Luke isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, I would stand to say that he could learn a thing or two from watching the way he’s acted over this season, like a fucking dick. Perhaps that’s giving him too much credit though, because here he is proving yet again that he will not be taking accountability. I’m also confused, because he’s on the after show discussing this shit. Do they not have to watch the episodes for the after show?? I hope the people that don’t watch back are being paid less.
Anywho, we learn that Zack can’t bring himself to buy a regular refrigerator after living that Monster Energy Fridge life. Now I’m wondering how Zack is keeping anything cold in his apartment. Especially living in the Valley, surely you need a cold drink to cool you down from time to time. It’s kind of reminding me of a lady I saw on Come Dine with Me once, who didn’t have a refrigerator. She just kept all of her perishables in a cupboard off of her kitchen. She lived in a place so cold, she needed no fridge. Which is actually the opposite of Zack’s situation. Andy says hello to Danny and asks him how he’s feeling. He says, ‘it’s a great day to have a great day’, typical Danny. He looks like he’s about to pull a Zack in Chili’s and shit himself. He did say that he had watched the season back though, so I commend him for at least that, if nothing else. He said he found some things ‘embarrassing and it was a hard watch.’ Uhhhh yeah, for all of us.
We’re talkin’ babies, and Danny and Nia are discussing the vasectomy of it all. Apparently you need to send a sample to the doctor to check whether the procedure has worked, which they haven’t done. Nia says that she had a scare where she was two weeks late for her period, to which I’m like, bitch, get that sample mailed off! What the fuck! Jasmine is all of us when she hears this news. She says, ‘if I have to hear this motherfucker saying 6 under 6’, implying that she will lose her mind. I’m right there along with her. Andy cannot let go of Luke being the potential donor for baby Sosa. That baby is waaaay too damn cute to be related to Luke. What are we doing here? Anyway, Lala shuts it down, saying the timing is way off because Luke donated in like 2013 or something. Of course we get the inevitable Jax conversation. Brittany has primary custody of Cruz, which I love for her, but she’s still trying to divorce that demon. And we find out why Jax is holding up the divorce process. Because Brittany is still paying towards his 1.2 million dollar tax debt, because she is legally obligated to.
Jesse says he no longer has a relationship with Jax because Jax came at him about an interview he did for an addiction charity, even though they didn’t even watch the interview, which is very Jax. He has also tried to reach out to Danny, even though he’s said multiple times that he wants to take Danny down. Basically he’s trying to weasel his way back on to the show. Brittany tells us that Jax has talked shit about everyone on the show, coming as a surprise to literally no one. Even Kiana, Schwartz’s girlfriend! He’s still playing the Frank Dremon game, with all of his burner accounts. What an idiot. We move from one demon to the next, Aaron with the crazy eyes. Andy is like, ‘did he really break up with you because you weren’t athletic?’ Michelle says it was a combination of things, but he said, ‘you look amazing now, but ten years from now you might not look like that.’ Uhhhhh Aaron, if there’s anyone that you’ve met in your life that looks exactly the same ten years on, can you please give me their fucking details? I would love to get in touch with them and ask them where the fountain of youth is located. Thank you.
It tickles me that people think we will be seeing Dr Dre on The Valley next season. I’m not sure if they’re being serious, but he seems like a pretty private person who keeps a low profile. I would be shocked if I saw him in a testimonial on The Valley. Anyway, we move on to talking about Brandon, Brittany’s ex. Andy asks Brittany if she thinks her picker is off, and she’s like, ‘DUH Andy’, like, ya think? Thank god she kicked him to the curb. But, we find out, not before giving him TEN GRAND. Someone yells out, ‘I thought it was just $50’, and I honestly thought the same. AND I THOUGHT 50 DOLLARS WAS TOO MUCH. Jesus, rein it in, Brittany. You don’t need to be with someone who’s taking that kind of money from you! Luckily she tells us she’s seeing a narcissist abuse coach, which the wording of the title confuses me, but I assume they’re going to steer her clear of douchebags? I hope.
Lacy joins the gang on the couches, and it’s pretty evident Michelle, Jesse and Lacy have gone one step forward, two steps back. I’m kind of exhausted by this situation. I was actually looking forward to Jesse and Michelle moving forward as friends. I truly hope we don’t have to watch them fight and argue all of next season. Lacy is correct, they will never see eye to eye. Andy says, ‘I got the impression you were all getting along’, and that’s the impression I got. I think it’s important to remember that the times that Lacy is referring to, when she’s talking about Michelle being upset, Michelle had obviously recently split up with her husband AND was dealing with her mother dying. Can we give the woman some grace please? Jesse claims to be an expert in everything Michelle because he’s known her for 12 years. I do feel you can know someone for 12 years and not know every aspect of them. You could probably know someone a lifetime and not know every detail.
Lala finally tells us what went down with her and Scheana. She explains that Scheana told her that Jenna, who we saw a few times last season, was going in on her. So Lala went to Jenna and said Scheana has a lot going on, she just found out that Brock cheated on her when she was pregnant, so lay off. This was before Scheana had released her book, along with the details of the cheating. Jenna took the information public, so I guess that information coming out prior to her book being released is what upset Scheana? I think that’s the case anyway. Lala is pretty cut up about the situation. This information only solidifies my thoughts that Scheana needs to be on next season of The Valley. We need some resolution here, Andy!
We’re discussing Kristen and Janet being mortal enemies. Kristen said at Bravocon that the couple she thinks will be the next to break up are Janet and Jason. Kristen says she was just trying to answer the question and that she doesn’t actually think that, which I don’t really believe. We’ve gone through this whole season, and I’m still unclear why Kristen is so hateful to Janet. Kristen has said things like ‘she’s mean’ and she can’t trust Janet, but I’ve yet to understand the actual crux of the issue. Zack and Kristen are bitching about Janet serving flattery and gift giving. I’m seriously fucking confused. She’s trying to be nice in order to be friends again. God forbid she pay you a compliment and give you a gift for some milestone in your life. Are they being serious? They look like assholes saying shit like that.
Andy wants to know where Kristen’s hate for Janet comes from. Kristen says, ‘it’s not hate, it’s disdain.’ To me, hate and disdain are pretty interchangeable. Although Googling the definition of disdain, Google says ‘it stems from a feeling of superiority, treating someone or something as unworthy of your respect’, which seems pretty on point. Kristen feels she’s better than Janet. Even though they’ve just had a whole conversation about how people forgave Kristen for the mistakes she made, yet she can’t afford Janet that same forgiveness. Seems like double standards to me. Janet asks for an example of what she’s done specifically to Zack, and we get nothing, not one example. Andy makes them hug it out.
We end part one with Brittany and Zack getting into their disagreements over the season. Zack says we will always be soul sisters no matter what, and just when I think the situation is resolved, they get back into it. So to be continued, I guess.
That’s it for this week. Enjoy your weekend!
Thanks for reading. See ya, wouldn’t wanna bee ya!