House of Stassi S1E3

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we’re watching a bunch of ungrateful wenches bitch about their lives while being filmed. Let’s get into House of Stassi Episode 3.

We open with Stassi giving us an overview of what’s going on. The G’s moved in, being Georgi and Georgia. I guess that’s what Stassi calls them, which is easier for me because they do seem synonymous at this point. She got the Netflix podcast deal. Annnnnd Beau cried. I forgot that Beau compared Stassi to Al Bundy. Al Bundy, for those that don’t know, is the husband from Married with Children. Stassi being Al means Beau is feeling like Peggy, the wife. Which is pretty on point because they’re reminding me of a specific scene that I remember from that show where Peggy is like, “Al, I've been thinking...” and Al responds, “Don't do that, Peg, you'll hurt yourself.” I do get the feeling that Stassi doesn’t want Beau to think about going back to work specifically, but also in general. The only thing in this whole analogy that doesn’t make sense is that Beau says he feels like a 1950s housewife, and Peggy Bundy is far from that. She hates cooking and cleaning. She preferred shopping and watching daytime TV. Pretty relatable.

Anyway, Stassi arrives at Kristina Kelly’s house. Stassi tells us the situation we find ourselves in was orchestrated by Kristina Kelly, basically, because Kristina Kelly told Stassi to work at Sur. All I can think about when I see Kristina Kelly is about how her and Katie were total Debbie Downers at Scheana’s wedding to Brock in Mexico in the Scandoval season of Vanderpump Rules. Speaking of Debbie Downers, does anyone else think that Emily absolutely hit the nail on the head calling Vicky one in Real Housewives of OC? She’s not only being a pain in the ass Debbie Downer on that show, but she’s being one on Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip as well. I’ve had enough of Vicky Gunvalson, honestly. Can we put a pin in it, Bravo! If I have to watch one more fucking scene of Vicky forcing herself to whoop it up, I’m going to stab my own eyeballs out with a fork.

Anyway, these two bitches are meeting up to vent to each other, which is the real reason any of us have friends, right? Stassi talks about the difficulty of living with her two sisters and about how depressed Beau is. Kristina Kelly wants to talk about why the fuck Katie is coming around, because I guess they’re not friends anymore? Kristina tells us that she felt like hers and Katie’s friendship was one sided, with her giving a ton of effort and getting little in return. A point of view which I guess we have to take at face value, considering there were no cameras around at that time. Kristina hates Katie being back in their lives. She was under the impression that Stassi felt the same way. Kristina tells us that when they were in Italy for Stassi and Beau’s wedding, Katie and her shared a room, and basically Katie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Beau’s friend Rob. I honestly have no idea what this has to do with anything. I mean, it sounds annoying, but it’s hardly a reason to end a friendship. Kristina says something about Cashee pepe? And now she’s completely lost me. She means cacio e pepe (ka-chow ee peh-pay), cheese and pepper pasta. Just say cheese and pepper pasta!

Stassi tells us that she didn’t mean to start drama between Katie and Kristina, which I don’t really believe for a second because she’s going to celebrate their beef by throwing a dinner party. Moving on, Katie is stamping bags at Something About Her, the sandwich shop she owns with Ariana Madix. Ariana comes in to, I guess, help stamp the bags? I love how they’re pretending like this is admin they actually do. Like, I’m now just picturing Katie Malone sitting in Something About Her every morning stamping bags for all of the takeaway sandwiches people order. No, there’s no way. Ariana asks how filming is going. Katie tells her about her conversation with Stassi. She says that Stassi owned up to things and that she has definitely changed. She understands why Stassi wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with her at the time of the ghosting, but questions whether she has any actual friends now, which is a bit fucking harsh, but also, maybe a legitimate question. Katie says she’s going to keep it real (rill) with Stassi. It’s in this moment that I remember Katie is from Utah because she says ‘rill’ just like Whitney Rose from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Remember when Whitney was on her ‘hilling’ journey because she couldn’t say ‘healing’ properly?

Anywho, at Stassi’s house, she’s having a styling day where she gets to chill at home and try on clothes, which sounds like a dream to me. Stassi is having the time of her life until her sister Georgi appears. She asks Georgi if she and Georgia can help put Hartford to bed that night. And we find out that even Sonja, Stassi’s Nanny for Messer, is getting into the drama. I guess she’s vying for a position on this show? Proving Katie’s point that all of Stassi’s castmates are on her payroll. Stassi tells Georgi that Sonja told her about Georgi talking shit. Georgi denies this. I will never not be surprised when someone who is being filmed denies things they’ve said and done. We then get a montage of Georgi talking absolute shit behind Stassi’s back. She’s all, that bitch doesn’t get along with any of our family, daddy paid for everything that she owns, she throws everything back in my face, she literally doesn’t even know how to clean. This girl needs to know her audience, seriously. We’re watching House of Stassi. Do you think the audience will be on your side, Georgi? Maybe the people hate watching will. Who knows.

Georgi, being the conflict avoidant person that she is, changes the subject to her dislike for Georgia. Meanwhile, Beau is talking to Georgia. Georgia is telling Beau about her dislike for Georgi, and I’m over here thinking, ‘why the fuck are any of these people living together?’ Georgia tells Beau Georgi is stressed out by life in general, and while she feels empathetic to her situation, she’s perplexed by Georgi’s inability to recognise her own feelings and emotions. I don’t know how old Georgi is, but she’s coming off as someone in their early 20s. She’s extremely needy and seemingly erratic. It’s almost as if she wants Stassi to be her mother figure. These two may be sisters, they may be blood relatives, they may have love for each other in a familial way, but they absolutely do not like each other. Stassi tells Georgi, this is all a Georgi problem, and she could give but two shits. A producer asks Stassi if they will make peace. She says this is peace. Can you not see how peaceful this house is?? It’s basically a monastery with silent monks walking around.

Anyway, we see Stassi and Beau going on a date on the Day of the Dead, in a graveyard. Beau already looks tired and depressed in the middle of a fucking graveyard, and Stassi decides to talk about a recent pregnancy scare. He’s over it. What does any couple who’s going through a tough time and doesn’t want to do another round of couples therapy do? They play a couples card game, obviously. The first card says, ‘describe the first time you realised you loved me’. Stassi says they missed watching Eminem at Coachella because they were too busy chewing each other’s ear off about how much they love each other while high off their tits on Molly. Good times. The next card says, ‘how do you show love?’ Which seems to throw Stassi into the depths of an existential crisis. She drags Beau into the depths right along with her. Neither of them have an answer. Now I’m questioning how I show love. I guess the answer could be a love language that you give to someone, right? Like, I give out quality time and gifts. Is that what the question means? Now I’m having an existential crisis of my own.

Moving on! The next card says, ‘what do you feel our toughest moment was?’ Beau is all, ‘that’s a question for you’. They discuss Stassi getting cancelled. Stassi wants to know why Beau didn’t resent her for the situation because he was dragged down in the mud with her. He says, you were pregnant and there was zero time to be resentful. Beau is a good husband, despite his victim complex. Stassi tells Beau they’re having a dinner party. She’s putting The G’s to work. They’re cooking. Basically, this dinner party will serve as a good old fashioned sit-down, as they call it in the mob. She wants everyone to come together, mediate disputes, settle grievances and prevent further dramatic conflict. Stassi has high hopes. I, on the other hand, do not.

Speaking of the mob, we see Katie saying, ‘I feel like such a sensitive gangster’ on her podcast. A title which I’ve never heard anyone give themselves. I can only imagine a sensitive gangster is the opposite of Tommy from Goodfellas. Upon Googling the term, I have learned that it comes from Love Island, which I still have no watched. I know, I KNOW OKAY, I’m sorry. There are so many fucking episodes!!! HOW DOES ANYONE FIND THE TIME?!

Anyway, Taylor and Teddy have Rob and Georgi over for dinner? Charcuterie? Drinks? I don’t know specifically what for, but basically Georgi uses it as an opportunity to bitch about Stassi some more. Jesus Georgi, REIN IT IN! Do all of these people hate Stassi? Why has Stassi made a show about everyone hating her? I have questions!! Taylor confirms that Georgi is indeed staying at Stassi’s place for free. She’s all, ‘would it kill you to change a diaper while you’re there?’ This coming from the woman who said she wanted to be a 20% parent. And I can only assume will not be wanting to change any diapers herself. Rob says that he sees Georgi as a little sister. Uhhhhh, are these two fucking? Because, as Georgi points out, that’s a weird thing to say. Much like Kristina Kelly is questioning Katie’s recent emergence, Taylor now wants to know why the hell Katie is coming around again. Apparently Katie somehow pissed Taylor off, talking to her about vitamins for two hours, which seems like a weird thing to be upset about. After five minutes of someone talking to me about vitamins, I would excuse myself to go and get a drink. Unless you’re going to tell me about some miracle vitamin that makes me look 20 something years old forever, keeps me healthy in every possible way and makes it so that I can shoot rainbow confetti out of my ass, I don’t want to hear about it. Both Taylor and Kristina have pretty piss poor excuses to be upset with Katie, which is how we know this is manufactured drama.

We see Stassi taking Georgia with her to go and get Botox. She tells us her face is Botoxed to the max. She’s there for the neck. We see her plastic surgeon injecting the front and back of her neck. That shit looks fucking painful. I’m all for beauty is pain treatments, but the placement of those injections makes me deeply uncomfortable. I’m also not 100% sure what getting Botox in those places helps with. I’mmmmm gonna need to do some investigation. Stassi tells Georgia that she doesn’t think Georgi has ever had Botox, which is definitely her throwing shade at her sister’s wrinkly ass forehead. Georgia goes on to tell Stassi that Sonja, the nanny, is not the only person Georgi has been talking shit to, which is like no shit. We’ve seen her talk crap about Stassi to literally everyone on this show. Georgi has been going around planting metaphorical bombs everywhere, all the while claiming that she wants to walk on eggshells with Stassi. Can’t wait until they explode and the egg ends up all over her face. Stassi is fully perplexed by Georgi’s two-faced behaviour, which makes me think that these two don’t really know each other that well. She wants to know how Georgi can be portraying her as a monster behind her back, yet to her face she’s all, I love you and you’re basically my mommy.

Later on we see Georgi cooking dinner for Stassi’s dinner party. Stassi likens Georgi to Cinderella, to which I say, don’t give your sister more ammo to hate you OR victimise herself, PLEASE. Everyone is arriving for the dinner party. Georgi points the people to her ‘charcoochi’ boards. I don’t know if she thinks that’s a cute way to say charcuterie or if she actually doesn’t know how to pronounce it. Either way, it made the boards less appetising to me. Anyway, in another scene, Beau drops food on the ground. One of their dogs comes over to eat the food and presumably licks it. Beau, abiding by the three second rule, picks it up and chucks it in his mouth. My god, a dog’s mouth is a cess pit of bacteria. I’m going to vomit. I don’t know how worldly these dogs are, how often they get out, but dogs love garbage, dirt and dead animals. Can we please just throw the food away, Beau?!

Katie and Stassi are chatting on the couch while Georgi and Rob act all flirty and cutesy in the kitchen. Stassi is telling Katie that her sister is a compulsive liar and that she won’t stop talking massive shit behind her back. Stassi thinks that Georgi’s behaviour is akin to a serial killer. I’m gonna have to disagree. Most serial killers display traits of psychopathy and narcissism, which, I have to assume, would make them more inclined to just say shit to your face. Katie thinks this calls for a vintage ambush, just to get things out in the open. Katie wants Stassi to choose violence, not peace. And honestly, for that reason alone, I would love to see more of Katie and less of Georgi.

Taylor is asking Georgi how she is in the kitchen. She’s on the brink of freaking out. I love how this woman thinks no one she’s talking shit to is going to go to Stassi and tell her. The mind really does boggle. Katie enters the chat and says, have you told Stassi how you feel to her face? Cue Stassi walking in and asking what they’re talking about.

DING
Vintage ambush activated.

Stassi wants to know what the hell Georgi has to complain about. Georgi is all, ‘you’re going to believe Georgia over me?’ Stassi basically says, ‘Georgia has never lied to me and you compulsively lie. Like fucking duh, I’m going to believe her.’ DUN DUN DDUUUNNNNNN. They’re making for a very awkward dinner party. No one wants to involve themselves in sister drama. Georgi says she’s trying to tiptoe around Stassi, which is complete bullshit. You don’t go around to anyone who will lend you their fucking ear and talk shit about a person you’re supposedly ‘tiptoeing’ around. Stassi makes a great point by asking why Georgi would want to be close to someone that’s so terrifying to her. Why didn’t she just keep staying at the Taylor’s? Oh yeah, because they’re on a TV show. Doyyyyy da doy doy.

Georgi is midway through saying, ‘I love you, I appreciate you...’ Stassi says, ‘I think you love what I can do for you.’ Georgi responds, ‘what can you do for me?!’ Stassi’s whole demeanour changes with this question. Georgi is now shitting her pants. Her face drops. And I think, perhaps she’s just come to the realisation that Stassi has invited her into her home, where she has a bed to sleep in and food to eat. She’s put her on a television show, which exhibits her artistry, which in turn will bring work opportunities. Turns out no, she’s doubling down on the fact that Stassi can do nothing for her. She didn’t ask for any of this! Georgi is an ungrateful wench.

Kristina Kelly has great timing arriving mid-argument. Rob enters the kitchen to get Kristina Kelly some rosé. Taylor and Katie use this opportunity to sneak out. In the lounge, Kristina Kelly is rubbing Teddy’s pregnant belly, which Taylor hates. They discuss lesbian night. Apparently Georgi swings both ways and they want to unleash her annoying ass onto every gender possible in LA. GOD SPEED SINGLE PEOPLE OF LA. Prepare yourselves for five hours of Georgi bitching and complaining about her sister to you. Kristina Kelly brings it back to the ‘why the fuck Katie here?’ narrative. She thinks it’s convenient that they’re filming a reality show and all of a sudden she’s here. Uhhh Kristina, we could say the exact same thing about you. AND she’s here for the same reason you are. Stassi asked her to be here. Kristina pulls Taylor for a chat. They’re teaming up in their dislike for Katie. Cue dramatic violins playing.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!