The Valley S3 Reunion Part 3

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today, I'd like to start by giving a shoutout to my husband. Yesterday we were at our local pub chatting. He told me he wanted to fact check me on a thing I had said on the pod. That thing was, ‘without doing any research whatsoever, I'm going to go ahead and assume there's a 90 year old man that’s had a baby.’ So he Googles ‘oldest father ever’. He finds that there was a 92 year old man who had a baby with a woman in her late 30s, which comes as no surprise to me. Not only was there a 92 year old, BUT he then goes on to tell me there was a 102 year old man who had a baby with a 38 year old woman. It was at this point I told him, you know what, maybe I was wrong. Maybe we should be freezing sperm. In fact, let’s freeze all the sperm and then get rid of all the men. Not only did he fact check my ass, he proved me right, again. I’d like to thank my husband for always keeping me humble, humble and in a constant state of ambivalence, for being right about the most fucked up of things.

Anyway, speaking of fucked up things, let's get into the final episode of The Valley for this season, the reunion part 3. We open with the people mid discussion of what went down at Jasmine’s wedding, which in turn brings us to the conversation of Danny’s drinking. Jasmine would like to know what happened at her wedding that she wasn’t privy to. Nia says ‘nothing happened at the wedding’. Zack tells us that Nia had said, ‘don’t tell Danny that there’s an after party’. Nia feels the need to point out that they were all aware of the after party, but she wanted to make it clear to them that Danny was in no way shape or form going to the after party, which is weird. Your husband is a grown ass man. He can’t make his own decisions? I guess another person coddling Danny is Jesse. He tells us some weird story about Danny in a drunken stupor at the wedding or after the wedding. Something about how he wasn’t wearing shoes and was just in a vest, watching some sports game apparently, and Jesse was trying to get him to go up to his room. Jesse then tells us about a pact that him and Danny made, to get each other out of drunken situations. And I think really tells us all we need to know about these men. They need to grow the fuck up. Lacy is like, ‘instead of all the projection, blame and bullshit, how about you just take some accountability.’ Which is the smartest thing anyone has said at the reunion thus far.

We go back to the semantics of what Nia said to Danny about the after party. Everyone is yelling at each other. I guess the crux of the situation is, Danny was drunk, Nia didn’t want him to go to the after party, but she’s trying to play it off like, ‘we just wanted to chill in the hotel room after the wedding.’ Lala says that’s a red flag and all of a sudden Kristen gets activated. She’s like, ‘NO NO NO, I’m fucking stepping in.’ The way that Kristen jumps to Nia’s defence is kind of wild to me. I think Nia is more than capable of defending herself. Also, she’s defending her against Lala. I know Lala has a sharp tongue, but she’s been pretty docile at this reunion, given how we’ve seen her act at other reunions. In my mind, Kristen is also making the situation a lot worse because she says something like, ‘If that were me I would’ve been like, don’t you dare tell Luke there’s an after party.’ She’s trying to stick up for Nia, but she’s just gone against what Nia is trying to portray. I don’t get it.

Andy wants to know if Danny thinks anyone owes him an apology. Nia is shaking her head no, like, ‘don’t you fucking do it, Danny. Don’t say what I think you’re gonna say.’ But he does anyway. He thinks Janet owes him an apology, oh, and Jason too. Janet has looked so uncomfortable this whole time. I understand her not wanting to, but I do wish she would speak up a little more. Jason says he was going to apologise, but then Danny acted like a drunken fool yet again in San Diego, so he decided against it because there was no change in Danny’s behaviour. Apparently a bunch of people said to Danny in Mexico that Janet should apologise to Danny. I think this was when half of them were around the pool and half were out shopping. Nia rightly points out to Danny that there is more context to the situation now, given Janet has shared what she’s been through in the past. Danny could give zero fucks about that. He wants his damn apology. Janet did actually apologise to Nia in Mexico for the words that she used in regard to Danny last season. And honestly, I think that’s all she should apologise for.

Brittany is talking about how she compared her relationship to Jax to Danny and Nia’s. She relates to Nia having to protect Danny all the time because she used to do that for Jax. Brittany says, ‘I’m not comparing Danny to Jax,’ even though she is, and rightly so. I think we can compare the two actually. They both exhibit despicable behaviour towards women, and neither of them hold themselves accountable for that behaviour. Neither of them make any meaningful change in their life to stop that behaviour. Just because one of them is a raging coke fiend doesn’t make the other any less nefarious. Now Nia and Danny are blaming filming the show for Danny’s drinking because it’s a high pressure cooker situation, he had anxiety, stress and everything was heightened. To that I say, you shouldn’t put yourself in the position of being on a show that makes you feel that way and therefore act out in a negative fashion. And also, there are 12 other people on this show with you who are not coping with the anxiety and stress by drinking. Perhaps take a leaf out of their books?

Andy asks what Danny’s regrets are from the season. He regrets being a dick to his wife on camera because now he has to deal with all of this bullshit. Andy’s like, so why do you keep drinking while you’re filming a TV show? Danny is trying to say these moments are rare, but it’s all we seem to see. Andy rightly points out that they seem to happen pretty consistently when we’re watching. Danny keeps alluding to ‘working with someone’ who is ‘helping him get a handle on the situation’. I’d like some more details around this because every time he mentions it, it’s all very vague. Are you working with a sobriety coach? A doctor? A therapist? Are you attending AA? Is he just talking about Jesse getting him out of sticky situations? Like, what’s the deal? We’ve just spent what feels like five hours talking about Danny being problematic while drinking. When Andy asks him, ‘do you think there’s anything you think you’re being held to the fire unfairly about?’ he responds, ‘yeah, drinking.’ Cue a collective sigh from everyone around him. You can tell these people genuinely hate Danny. Andy is correct. Danny does think this is a false narrative. I don’t know why so many people would give their time and energy to a false fucking narrative, but here we are. Danny is a dummy. There’s no two ways about it.

Annnnd for some godforsaken reason Danny is now invoking the name of Jax Taylor yet again. I’m with Lala on this one. He isn’t with us. CAN WE FOCUS ON THIS SEASON? That’s one thing that really irks me about reunions. We always seem to be going back several seasons to some distant drama that people have long forgotten about. If it only happened once in a while, it wouldn’t be so insufferable. But it seems to happen every five minutes. On the Southern Hospitality reunion they discussed what happened two seasons ago for a good 30 minutes. I literally can not. You can talk about Trevor and how he’s living in France for 10 minutes but you can’t hold Emmy accountable for her racist bullshit?! What is even happening? Anyway, enough about Southern Hospitality. It seems like that show’s going to hell in a handbasket.

Andy brings up Lala saying that she hopes Nia will leave Danny on WWHL. He says, ‘Vicky from San Diego said do you really think Nia becoming a single mother of four would be better than the steps they’re taking together in therapy?’ There’s a big difference between her saying she hopes Nia leaves Danny because he treats her like garbage and saying she wishes Nia would become a single mother. I get that the outcome would be essentially the same, but saying the former does not mean she wishes the latter. I don’t believe Lala wishes any ill will to Nia. In fact, I think she wants the exact opposite, which is why she said what she said in the first place. According to Danny, Lala incited a lot of hatred with this comment. Lala is in no way shape or form taking that on, and nor should she. She’s not responsible for what fans say and do. Also, Danny was getting way more hatred for the things he said than anything Lala said, I’m sure. Just another way for Danny to shift the blame onto a woman for a situation he himself has created.

Anyway, Andy brings up the street sign that smacked Zack upside the head. He asks Zack, ‘how is your head?’ And I half expected Zack to respond, ‘no complaints lately, Andy.’ All I can think about when hearing that question is Miss Fame on RuPaul’s Drag Race not getting the joke from Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. I guess I’m the only one going through life with Drag Race reruns going through my brain because Zack does not say ‘no complaints’. He says he didn’t even have a headache that night. He’s all, ‘a little head wound ain’t gonna keep me down.’ Andy wants to talk about how Michelle asked Jesse to be mindful of his PDA with Lacy. Lacy points out how it’s a double standard to ask for that, given the way Michelle was with her ex Aaron in Hawaii last season. Michelle says she understands that, but that is something she needed from Jesse and not vice versa. We’re not all looking for the same things equally in a partner, and affection just so happened to be something Michelle was wanting from Jesse that he for some reason never gave her. Which I still don’t really understand. Was that the case at the start of their relationship as well? Or did he start withholding it from her later down the line? Saying you’re incapable of holding someone’s hand or hugging them is wild, and Jesse doesn’t even deny that he said that. Anyway, Lacy wants to jump off a bridge listening to Jesse and Michelle go back and forth with each other. She’s definitely not alone in that sentiment.

We move on to talking about how Janet opened up to Lala about what happened in her past. Janet says Lala always gives her great advice and keeps it real. She wanted to tell her about it so that going forward Lala had that knowledge and could continue to give her the right advice. Even though this subject is dark, I found the way Janet spoke refreshing, in the sense that she speaks with clarity and isn’t trying to cloud the subject with details that don’t matter, as opposed to four people in particular on the opposite couch. Andy wants to know how Janet’s experience shapes how she feels about certain things that happen within this particular group of people. She says she was 12 when it happened and a piece of her innocence was taken from her, which is always going to alter someone’s perception on things. She goes on to say that, ‘all the therapy in the world doesn’t change the way the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you feel something is not right.’ I can’t say that every woman in the world understands the feeling Janet is describing, but most of us do. 1 in 3 women is a heartbreaking statistic, especially when you consider a lot of victims don’t report things that have happened to them, myself being one of them. Janet says she’s lost a lot of trust in men and has a guard up because of it. And I’m right there with her. Andy brings up that Kristen was skeptical of the timing of Janet bringing up her story, which is absolutely diabolical. Kristen defends herself by saying he had absolutely no idea at all what they were talking about. I don’t really think there is any defence good enough to excuse you implying that someone is weaponising their trauma. I understand Kristen is trying to be empathetic, and I do believe she does have empathy for Janet now, after the fact. But her reaction is still feeling a little icky to me.

Anyway, Andy talks about how Jasmine was frustrated with Kristen in San Diego for not letting her speak. He asks Jasmine, ‘why do you think Kristen wasn’t as receptive to your opinions as she was to Lala’s?’ Since Jasmine has pointed that out, I have noticed, especially at the reunion, that people don’t let her speak. Even in this exact moment, Kristen interrupts Jasmine when she’s trying to express her feelings. Jasmine says she didn’t want to make it about race, but of course she’s going to feel that way, which is totally understandable. Ultimately she knows that’s not what it was with Kristen and that it was Kristen’s hatred of Janet that was overshadowing her giving her support to Jasmine. We move on to how Kristen threw three of her best friends under the bus by saying that ‘if we should be looking at anyone’s drinking it should be Jasmine, Brittany and Zack’, which was a super shitty thing to say. Kristen seems remorseful. I get the feeling she’s only remorseful because she was caught doing it. She apparently has no idea why she even said it. Clearly she said it in defence of Danny and because she was trying to defend Nia, yet again. Jasmine says, ‘we are your family too.’ The grace that you extend to Danny and Nia should also be extended to us because we will always be here for you. In other words, defend all of your friends, not just the ones you consider to be your allies on this show, or the couple that you weirdly look up to and want to emulate. Schwartz thinks the demons of Kristen’s past relationship are working with her inner saboteur to ruin her relationship with Luke. All I have to say to that is, if you were in a relationship with Sandoval, you’d probably have several demons too.

Anyway, Andy brings up cuckolding, and Jason wants us to know that he is no cuck. He does not participate in cuckolding. Lala and Danny are all, ‘we didn’t know what that even was,’ and Lala says, ‘I pretend to be a freak but I’m actually really basic.’ I don’t really understand the benefit of pretending to be a freak, but OK. Whatever floats your boat. Moving on, Lala tells Danny that he will absolutely know when she’s coming for him. It will be made abundantly clear. And what happened in Mexico was not Lala ‘coming for him’. Danny, like the fucking five year old that he is, says, ‘it was my birthday and everyone was attacking me.’ Nobody gave a shit then that it was your birthday, and no one gives a shit now. It was also your anniversary, but clearly that’s far less important. Schwartz giggles at something. I can’t tell if Zack is irritated or amused by the fact that all Schwartz has done this whole reunion is laugh here and there. Either way, he’s correct. Schwartz is doing absolutely nothing. I think I heard someone say that at one point he was asleep. I don’t know if that’s true, but he may as well be over at the craft services table getting a snack because he’s certainly not bringing anything to the conversation.

Cut to a break. When we come back, Andy gets into Brittany’s Halloween party. But somehow we end up with Michelle and Jesse getting back into it. They’re fighting back and forth about Isabella meeting new people, and I literally can’t with these two anymore. They need to figure this shit out with a third party that is not the audience OR Lacy. Get a fucking mediator! Brittany wants to talk about how fucked up it was for Kristen to gaslight her about the ‘Nia manipulating Zack’ comment, which she claimed she did not say. Yet another case of her having amnesia about something she said, even though she said it on camera. Insert eyeroll here. I’m sitting here wondering why this episode is so damn long, and I’ve just realised I’m watching the extended version. Which becomes evident when Andy asks Schwartz about his shitty charcuterie at his bond party. We get a flashback to him saying it looks like ass, which is still really funny. Why can’t this man get it together?

Andy takes a vote of hands. ‘Who thinks Janet was out of line throwing a drink at Danny?’ Most of the people say they thought it was. Janet wishes she hadn’t because Danny was already doing a great job at making himself look like an idiot. While I agree, it was still fun to watch. I love how Andy asks Danny if he was drunk at the Halloween party. Did Andy watch the episodes back? He wasn’t just drunk. He was completely shit faced! Nia is trying to defend the fact that she called everyone here horrible people, multiple times. But we all know she meant it. She’s very holier than thou, and the audience can tell she thinks she’s better than everyone else. She makes it obvious every time she plants that fake smile on her face.

Andy wants to end on a happy note, so there’s really only one place he can go: Jasmine and Michelle’s wedding. Janet says that their love is palpable and they are marriage goals. Jasmine says her and Melissa are looking into having kids soon. She tells Lala that she wants to talk sperm with her. Andy says, well, you could talk to Luke! I would definitely like to advise Jasmine NOT to talk sperm donors with Luke. He’s spreading his seed just fine. Annnnnd I’ve just made myself feel physically sick. Melissa and Benji bring out the Veuve, and we’re now popping bottles. Andy gives a toast to one of the only happy couples on The Valley. By my calculations there are 4, and 50% of those are queer, which we love to see!

One of the last scenes we see is Lala saying she can’t wait to get home and scrub her body clean, which is exactly how I feel finishing this season of The Valley. There is some fucking dark, deep-seated shit in these people, which I, for now at least, am happy to be moving on from.

Anyway, that’s it for today.

Thanks for reading. Have a good weekend!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!