Real Housewives of Rhode Island S1E8

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Let’s dive into Real Housewives of Rhode Island Episode 8.

We open with Rulla making food for her kids. She asks her daughter what she wants for lunch and the answer comes back as "chickeeeeen teeeeendeeeeerrrrssss." Rulla tells her she's going to turn into chicken and fries because she eats them every day, which is a maneuver that doesn't work. Children have the most whimsical, fantastical imaginations out there, but they see right through those empty threats. They're all "don't feed me falsehoods, mum, just give me the chicken nuggets." I know this because I've tried the same thing with my daughter who's on the beige foods diet. She sees any pop of colour in that meal and NOPE. Which is ironic given how sparkly and colourful all of her stuff is.

Liz is taking her cat Ganja for a walk, which is another maneuver that has never worked for me. I once tried to take my Tonkanese cat for a walk on a leash. He climbed up a tree and refused to come down. Needless to say, I didn't try again. It's probably something you need to start young and be more persistent with. Anyway, in other news, Liz has another cat that I was not aware of: Biggie Smalls. And wow wee wow does that cat live up to its name. I think Biggie Smalls may need a few goes on the leash, Liz!

Meanwhile, Alicia is a fearful driver, which I would say is fair enough considering she's run someone over. Her partner Bill is taking her for a lesson, or at least I think it's a lesson. She needs crackers before they start because she's nervous. She says she's got issues, she can't breathe, she feels like she's suffocating, she's going to throw up and she can't feel her hands. You know what, at that point I would just say fuck driving. I don't know what the alternative is, but much like Micah from Ladies of London, Alicia is now a liability to everyone on the road. She has a laundry list of things that help her drive, the only one I can agree with is a good playlist. Which she clearly needs because all of this chit chat with Bill makes her drive through a stop sign. Then she starts freaking out about driving over a bridge and basically tells us she's emotionally traumatising her daughter with her driving. We see her going over double yellow lines and I can't watch anyone's bad driving on Bravo anymore. I'm getting nervous. Bill! Can we hire a driver! Catch a bus! UBER?!

Cut to Rosie and Rich at the construction site of their future home. Rosie puts a Rosie-style dress on her dog Clemmy and tells Rich she's asked Kelsey to cut her hair again. And because that didn't work out so well the first time, I would just urge them to do a different activity together. Maybe the weird bouncy moon boots that she's trying so hard to make a thing. The dog hates the dress and decides to take a massive dump right beside their house extension. The cameraman decides to capture this all for our viewing pleasure. Truly could've done without it, thanks. Clemmy then rolls around in dog poop on their walk. She's a poop princess. Quite frankly, I'd roll around in shit too if someone dressed me like that.

We then see Kelsey moving into her new place. Her mother and sister have come around because she requires helpers. She tells us about all the helpers she had while living in her boyfriend's mansion, which is completely unrelatable and a tough standpoint to have as a thirty-year-old. Kelsey tells her mum and sister that her ex is paying her rent, which they don't seem overly happy about. She also reveals he's paying her health insurance. Naturally, I immediately start wondering how much health insurance actually costs in the United States. Obviously I'm not from the US, so I have no idea. My health insurance is around a hundred dollars a month. Kelsey's younger than me, so here her health insurance would probably be about eighty dollars a month. Anyway, I digress.

Over at Ashley's house, she tells us that her son had cold-induced asthma but is doing much better now. She seems like a great mum. I'm now endeared to her. She's a bit of a space cadet, but I think maybe I like her now. Ashley wants Jared to kick the espresso machine to the curb and embrace his Instagram following to make money. She thinks he'd be much more financially healthy going down that route. She says, "That's kinda my buga boo with him spending so much time barrista-ing," and immediately flashes of Destiny's Child flood my brain. I assumed she meant bugbear, but you know what? I'm obsessed and will be using it henceforth. After a bit of Googling it turns out the terms are synonymous, so it probably just depends on where you grew up as to which one you use.

Jo Ellen, her mum and her sister arrive at her recently passed grandfather's house. They have an emotional conversation about how their mother wasn't the most maternal person, which is an understatement. Their mum talks about how her own mother wasn't the best either, and going forward they want to try and break that generational cycle. It's actually a really moving scene and one of the more grounded moments in the episode.

We then see Liz meeting Dolores at her dispensary lab. They're developing a gummy to relieve menopause symptoms and Liz tells us Rhode Island became the first state to make menopausal women a protected class in the workplace. I'm not entirely sure what that looks like or what it entails, but it sounds great. The conversation turns to menopause itself and what it does to you. Liz says she couldn't get out of bed or focus, she used to be a wordsmith and now she can't remember shit. She even shows us her feet and says they look like a bag of dicks because they swell up so much when she walks. Honestly, it sounds like a fucking horror movie. I'd love for more Housewives to talk about it and more people to discuss it in general. We need to be more prepared for THE CHANGE.

Back at Rulla's house, she and Brian are hosting Billy and Alicia for dinner. Alicia arrives already anxious because she feels like she's walking around with a giant sign over her head saying, "I know what you did last week" thanks to the video Jo Ellen showed the women in Newport. Tequila might be Brian's truth serum because he starts blurting out all the injectables he's putting into his body. He's been micro-dosing Ozempic for two years, taking steroids, doing Botox. He's conducting science experiments and apparently he's the lab rat. Now might be the time for Alicia to ask him about the video, given the loose lips. Brian really is a talker. Perhaps he should consider getting Botox in the lips so they don't move so much.

Things somehow get worse when Brian tells the story of his and Rulla's first date and casually reveals he was ordering doubles for her and singles for himself. The way he tells the story is like it's some sweet little meet-cute. No, it's the exact reason why women can't enjoy themselves, because of shitheads like you, Brian. He then starts comparing the filet mignon they're about to eat to Achilles tendons and various body parts because he's a surgeon. At this point I want to vomit. Much like Alicia, who's skulling drinks as quickly as possible so she can get the fuck out of there.

Finally, we arrive at Kelsey driving over to Rosie's house to cut her hair again. Kelsey comes down the driveway with a siren and loudspeaker and starts making comments about eight thousand square feet looking like eight thousand square inches. She says she's just trying to bust Rosie's balls a bit, but clearly they're both still holding grudges. Which is interesting because Kelsey just told her boyfriend she doesn't hold grudges. Side note: does anyone else think it's weird to argue about the square footage of a house when the house hasn't even been built yet? Let's wait until it's done and then measure it. BOOM. Argument over.

Anyway, they walk into the house and Rosie has all her plans laid out on the bench. Kelsey comments on how prominently they're displayed and Rosie wants her to measure the land out. Honestly, I think Kelsey is being a petty-ass bitch. I'm on Rosie's side with this one. Kelsey is the one continuing the square footage bullshit. Rosie wasn't correct to call her a polygamist, but Kelsey was in a polyamorous situation, soooo...

The whole thing quickly devolves into yelling and screaming. Rosie tells Kelsey to get the fuck out of her house and basically drags her down to the front door. Kelsey comes back to defend herself and make it very clear that she did not suck dick to win Miss Rhode Island, she won fair and square. Good for you, Kelsey. What an accomplishment. Rosie then calls Kelsey a slam pig, which is a term I had absolutely never heard before. On the After Show, Alicia wants everyone to know she came up with the insult "Sally the Slam Pig." How did we ever live without these women?

That's where the episode ends. Somewhere in there Rosie also said that you can't have a career sucking dick or something along those lines, and I just want to point out that I'm sure there are plenty of sex workers out there who would strongly disagree with that statement.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!