The Valley S3E10

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today on The Valley we learn about a fridge that is worth its weight in gold - let’s get into Episode 10.

We open with Zach and Luke doing some for of high intensity intival training - and Zach wants to die - who can blame him. Jessies daughter Isabella has managed to open 800,000 apps on her tablet and has fruit rollup in her hair - this could actually be a scene from my own life. I feel like I’m forever trying to fix a tablet, that is rapidly deteriorating at the hands of a six year old - while simultaneously trying to brush a million knots out of her perpetually matted hair. Parenthood truly is a blessing.

Jason is being driven home from surgery by Janet. I guess were now going to be subjected to Jason bitching and complaining about his knee for the rest of the season. It’s not that I don’t have sympathy - it’s just that men, stereotypically, do not have high pain thresholds. And for someone who’s given birth - I automatically give little to no shits about your knee - sorry Jason! Janet doesn’t like the sass being thrown her way post surgery. As a woman who has also given birth, she’s going to give him 24 hours to be snappy and rude - and then it’s game over.

Jasmine and Melissa are discussing Zach’s apartment warming. Jasmine texts Zach - he’s having a bad day. She calls him and is all ‘how are you doing?’ He says ‘I’ll tell you how I’m doing - NOT WELL BITCH’. His roommate is moving out - and I can’t tell if he’s upset because he’s going to miss him - or because he’s an asshole. But apparently, he’s taking his Monster fridge with him. Again, I’m iffy on the details as to whether it’s a giant fuck off fridge or a Monster Energy branded fridge.

Come to find out it’s the latter - it looks like a regular size fridge - full of Monster Energy? I seriously hope Zach is not consuming as much Monster Energy as that fridge would have us believe - that can not be good for you. The way Zach is crying over this fridge - it’s like he’s never going to be able to drink an ice cold Monster Energy ever again. Zach, You know you can just put them in a regular fridge, right?

Michelle and Nia arrive at a cafe that sells - as advertised on the sign out side - coffee, cocaine and croissants. Now that’s how you do business - I bet they’re making a lot of money. Nia is downplaying Danny’s toxic behaviour, yet again. Michelle says when she was married to Jesse she would do the same things - she brushed things off because she didn’t want people to know how bad their relationship was.

We then see Brittany in her recovery bed - and her boyfriend Brandon comes to visit. Apparently she asked him to pick up her - very badly needed - pain medication. But he left it too late and now she has to get another prescription for it from her doctor. To which I say - why the hell are you getting this man to get you the most important thing you need for your recovery!!

Anyway, she says her ‘ball sacks are getting kinda full’ - which makes me projectile vomit - why do we need to see that!!! The drainage sacks need to be emptied and Brandon is all - no fucking way in hell. She says she will get someone else to do it - because she wants him to still be attracted to her after this. He makes a face behind her back - which I do not like. I don’t know anything about this man - and I don’t think they’re still together - thankfully.

Because honestly, he seems like an asshole to me. Which isn’t helped by the fact that straight after the face incident - he tells her dog to get the fuck out of his way. Anyone who treats animals badly - can go fuck themselves with a cheese grater.

Kristen arrives at Brittany’s. They’re all discussing when Brandon will be back to see Brittany again. And I guess there was some kind of miscommunication or just straight up lies from his end - because their thoughts on when that would be don’t seem to align. Brittany then tells us that he asked her for money! Which she then gave to him - and he’s still continuing to flake the fuck out on her. I fuckiiiiiing hate that! HATE IT.

My alarm bells are ringa ding dinging - in response to this man. I’m now seriously hoping they are broken up. The last thing Brittany needs is another partner leeching her life source and funds! Brittany says long distance is hard. All I’m thinking is, I’m sure long distance is a lot harder, when the person isn’t willing to show up for you or put any effort - all the while continually asking you for things.

Danny and Nia are having a date noight. Kind of - it’s a date night with their three month old baby. Nia asks Danny to ‘wear’ the baby. I’m in the middle of thinking about how much this man hates his life - when baby Adelaide spews on him - Which is karma.

Danny tells us that he hates baby spew - it makes him nauseous. Nia talks about how sad it makes her to think about not having another baby to look after - and Danny sees this as an opening to push his ‘have 10 under 10 agenda’. He’s all - so you’re telling me there’s a chance. Danny - you just told us you hate baby vomit - and you look like you want to go to the corner store for a packet of cigarettes and never come back again, anytime you have to do anything for one of your existing kids. WHY HAVE MORE?!?!? What is the objective?? To be even more miserable??

Zack, Jasmine and Jesse meet for drinks. Zack tells them that he damn near threw himself in front of the moving truck to keep that Monster Energy Fridge. He says that the situation got so contentious that he basically told him to take all of the furniture. They discuss the Danny of it all. And Jasmine gets upset with Zack for not having her back, in regard to her situation with Danny. Zack says he will have a conversation with Danny - to make his stance clear.

We see Jasmine visiting Brittany. Jasmine brings her some food for later - which she goes to put in the fridge - in the gym upstairs - because stairs and stitches do not mix. While in there Jasmine find a mysterious empty can of White Claw. She brings it to Brittany and is all - what this? Brittany says ‘eww White Claw - I don’t drink that’.

She says it must have been from Danny and Nia at the pool party - even though Danny told Nia that he was not drinking that day. The messy ass editors - doing the lords work - on this show - proceed to play footage of Danny’s audio running into a room and skulling a White Claw - off camera. Brittany says she could care less if people are drinking - but the hiding and the lying are giving her PTSD from her demon ex husband.

We move over to Jesse, Schwartz and Danny meeting up for drinks. Say what you will about Schwartz - but the man likes to bring a gift - which in my experience is not a trait you find in many men - I find to be very endearing. He brings Jesse a bottle of Moet to share with Michelle for their divorce paper signing.

They then bring up the San Diego incident. Jesse says I ever hear about is ‘was Danny drunk’, ‘has he been drinking’, ‘what are we going to do about his drinking’. Uhh Jesse, you just brought it up again. Jesse also thinks people in this group are hypocritical about drinking. He doesn’t want to keep talking about it. Honestly, I feel like Jesse is thinking ‘if people are talking this way about Danny, it’s only a matter of time before they start talking about me’. He wants to deflect.

Danny says the demon formally known as Jax put a target on his back last summer. Jesse says and you know who went along with that - Brittany. Apparently he has a massive issue with Brittany because she’s been mean to Lacy. Just when I found myself being endeared to Schwartz - he completely undoes it by not sticking up for his friend.

He says in his testimonial Brittany doesn’t have a mean bone in her body - and that ‘if Jax is preoccupied with attacking Danny - he’s not attacking her’. Which is extremely fucking sad. Does he say this to Jesse and Danny in person who are currently plotting against Brittany - NO. C’mon Schwartz - what the actual fuck.

Brittany arrives at a post op appointment with Janet. She sees the doctors work for the first time and gets emotional. She talks about the trauma that Jax put her through by body shaming her. And we cut to a scene from the last reunion, with her discussing it.

I know this is an emotional moment - but for the life of me - all I can think about the up ‘ems - im sorry I mean Lifts - on Jax’s feet. Remember he was straight up wearing Lifts at that reunion? What a wild choice. Anyway, Brittany is a beautiful girl and it’s nice to see her in a happy place - and being free of that menace to society.

We arrive at Zack and Benji’s housewarming party. Zack tells us that him and Benji have vastly different interior decorating styles. Benji likes hand-crafted objects sourced from exotic locations. Zach - well - Zack is in love with a Monster Energy fridge - enough said.

Michelle arrives with a bottle of wine - but Zack informs her that his ex room mate took his wine opener - which is next level petty - they only cost like 5 bucks! Lacy and Jessie arrive. Lacy thinks she’s arrived at a frat party - with the pizza - solo cups and lack of furniture.

We find out that Lala - can not only not go down a mountain - she can not go down on a woman unless she’s wasted. I’d like to say that doing anything wasted - technically speaking - should be much harder than sober. But, different stokes for different folks I guess.

When Kristen arrives - she wants to know where the TV she gave Zach has gone. The ex room mate took it. I would now like some answers as to what the beef was between these two.

Lacy invites Michelle into her and Schwartz’s divorcee cult. Lacy then asks Michelle if she can throw her a divorce party - which appears to be a joke - to which Michelle says please do not. Too bad for her Lacy has already planned the cowboy party down to some pretty fine details - Including a custom hat bedazzling station.

Danny is loudly complaining about how much water he has to drink. I guess he wants to let everyone at the party know HE”S NOT DRINKING ALCOHOL. God only knows why this man is lying straight to everyones face - when he’s on camera. He sneakily tries to go into the kitchen and pours some whiskey into a cup. He then seemingly stares straight into the camera and proceeds to skull it back.

This is the shit sketching everyone the fuck out - Danny! Just pour yourself a drink in a normal manner - without hiding - and don’t be a dick to anyone!

At the end of the episode, Zack gives an emotional speech about the friends in his life that have helped him through tough times - very sweet.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!