The Valley S3E12 & 13

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I didn’t do a The Valley recap last week because I was away, so today I’m discussing a little bit of Episode 12 before getting into Episode 13. In Episode 12, we see everybody cutting the cheese. Danny can’t even make his own kids laugh with a fart joke. Brittany continues to flash her ball sacks around. Kristin is still on her blind loyalty campaign for Nia, even though pretty much everyone else thinks Nia is performative. I guess butt facials are a thing? At that point it’s not a facial, so maybe it should be called a buttacial? A buttial? Zach is upset he doesn’t have a Black woman’s ass. I feel his pain because I have a pancake ass too. Benji spilled the beans on Danny drinking at their housewarming, Jason is still an invalid, and Janet continues to impress me with her sense of humour. She’s talking about the guys having themed birthday parties and says, “Danny is having a Miami Vice party,” followed immediately by, “I’m not sure Danny needs any more vices, buuuut.” LOL Janet.

The gang heads to Mexico for their triple birthday trip. Fans are taking pictures of Kristin in the bathroom while she’s changing her kid’s diaper, which raises the question: what the actual fuck is wrong with people? And where was Lala asking if those bitches want to get popped? Seriously, that weirds me out so much. Why not wait outside and politely ask for a photo with her when she’s not elbow-deep in baby shit? Also, I wouldn’t want my kid in some random person’s photo gallery. I don’t even know anymore. Anyway, Jesse gets carsick, reminding me of Jared, Ashley’s barista husband on Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Man babies. He also can’t pay his hotel bill because his credit card is saying nerrrrp. Michelle is all, “I’m telling you this man is as broke as a joke.” Jasmine is pissed because she and her fiancé have to stay in the slumber party suite, while Schwartz is third-wheeling it with Zack and Benji. He’s wearing a T-shirt that says “Easy Tiger” in what I can only read as an Australian accent, perhaps in anticipation of what will happen later that night.

Lacy still hates Jesse and continues to use him for screen time. Luke continues his reign of terror on Kristin’s mental health. Has anyone else noticed that Schwartz has a tiny lemon tattooed on his arm? When people show you who they are, believe them. Schwartz is throwing Schwartzopalooza for his birthday and wants us to know it’s Coachella adjacent and nothing like Lollapalooza. I would now like to implore him to get more lemon tattoos. Perhaps a whole lemon tree. You know? Go nuts, Schwartzy. Janet wants Brittany to be careful where she’s smothering herself with glitter because she doesn’t want it going into any of her surgical holes. Annnnd I just threw up. They’re gonna have to give Brittany a backyard hose down at the end of the night. Kaia is summoning the weather gods to rain down on Schwartzopalooza, Jesse cracks me the fuck up by saying Danny looks like an Orlando dad going to Disney while everyone else is dressed in sparkly festival gear, and Zack wants to do a storm dance. He belongs to the light, he belongs to the thunder. He’s doing Pat Benatar proud.

As if Schwartzopalooza wasn’t sad enough, Luke and Kristin are really bringing down the mood with their bickering. Janet is angling for a makeout session with Michelle. She’s Janet’s Abercrombie Angel. Anyway, let’s move on to Episode 13. Schwartz’s doily top is weirding Zack the fuck out. They take the party up to the girls’ suite where Janet wants to play a game called Pizza Box. I have no idea what that is. Danny wants nothing to do with Janet’s game. Lala asks Danny if he’s ever going to move on from hating Janet and he says they’ve never come after Janet. To which Lala says, “You accused them of cucking,” which is not a thing. In her testimonial, Lala tells us she means cuckolding, which is basically a man watching his partner have sex with someone else. This becomes a wider conversation with the group.

Janet has receipts. Apparently Danny liked a social media post with a picture of Jason as a clown and Janet as a snake which read, “Jason you got some brown left on your lips from licking Jax’s asshole, you fucking cuck.” Danny liked it. Lala and Jasmine want to know why Danny can’t answer questions like a normal person. He has to get all irritated and start yelling. These people are all fucked up and yelling at each other, and Brittany decides to emerge wearing a yellow teddy bear nighty. Danny is as happy as a pig in shit when Zack and Jasmine end up being the ones arguing because he’s off the hook yet again. Schwartz is like, y’all are ruining my birthday and no one even bought me a damn cake. Meanwhile Brittany, in her teddy bear nighty, is ripping the shit out of Danny.

I know I found what Jesse said about Danny’s outfit funny and I still do, but he really is in no position to judge. He looks like Tom Hanks in Cast Away with that shipwreck outfit. Next minute he’ll be painting a face on a volleyball. Danny and Nia take themselves off to bed and are now bickering back in their room. Danny is pissed off because Nia is not doing her Christian wifely duties by sticking up for her dickhead of a husband. Give me a break. In the morning Zack and Benji are eating leftover pizza in their matching Calvin Kleins. Zack is feeling refreshed and justified. Over in Kristin and Luke’s room, Kaia is looking at her milk bottle the way I was looking at these people two minutes ago screaming nonsense at each other about social media posts.

In the girls’ suite, Michelle is trying to get rid of her hangover by skipping rope, which is insane. Then Janet reminds us that Michelle’s bush-baby-eyed ex-boyfriend Erin broke up with her because he wanted a fitness girlfriend, which is equally as insane as jumping up and down after a night of tiny quesadillas and bottles of Casa Amigas. Down on the beach Danny is still bitching and moaning to Luke, who’s fishing. Lala joins them and is basically like, what the fuck is your problem now? Danny tells us that he has trauma from a situation that he created. He’s trying to blame that trauma and PTSD on Janet, but the situation came about because of his actions. Master manipulation.

Down by the pool, the people are rehashing all of the arguments from the night before, and all I can focus on is the amount of glitter they’re covered in. They look like they’ve had a really good time at a strip club. Luke is just floating around this resort with his fishing pole. Some of the group head into town and immediately start rehashing the arguments from the night before all over again. It’s all kicking off in the van, as per usual. The people of Bravo can’t take a van ride without an argument starting. Schwartz just wants to have fun, and we learn that Jesse likes to wear women’s underwear. They take shots of pulque, which is fermented agave. That sounds unpleasant. They’re throwing words around like creamy fertiliser and terrible kombuchay milk vomit.

Danny and Luke eventually join the group by the pool and Zack confronts Danny about lying regarding drinking at his party. Even though Zack literally went to the doctor with Danny to talk about his vasectomy, he still thinks Danny is getting his balls chopped off. They don’t chop off the balls, Zack. He’s not going to be a eunuch. Anyway, Danny apologises for lying and everyone tells him he’s only making things worse by lying. Which is immediately followed by him lying again about the White Claw situation. My God. Some people never learn. You know what they say, if you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough. Judging by Danny’s muscles he is, which is a plus for him I guess. Danny starts talking about his so-called PTSD again and Lala can take no more of this BS. She’s gotta take a dip to cool off before she rips into Danny again.

The people who went shopping arrive at a bar and, while Lacy isn’t around to chastise Jesse, Michelle is happy to step in and do it for her. Thank you for your service, Michelle. They’re discussing Montezuma’s revenge and we’re then treated to a clip from an old episode of Summer House when the people from Vanderpump Rules were visiting, where Tom seemingly just kept drinking through the shitting, pain and vomiting of food poisoning. Like I said before, if you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough. Jesse talks about how he loves colonics and colonoscopies. I’m not sure colonoscopies are something you should be getting on a regular basis.

They now want Nia and Janet to hash things out. Nia and Kristin start listing off other people whose drinking needs to be scrutinised, and Janet is now messaging the people poolside to let them know what’s being said. Janet starts crying. She’s sick of being gaslit, which is completely understandable.

Anyway, that’s where we end the episode.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!