Real Housewives of Rhode Island Reunion Part 1

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we watch Jo Ellen’s rise to victory in the Real Housewives of Rhode Island Reunion Part 1. We see all the ladies arriving in New York and getting into glam, and the talk of the morning is Rulla’s new nose. I actually can’t remember what her old nose looked like. Anyway, she looks beautiful as per usual. Rosie is in a room with Alicia telling her about the nose job and says she thought Rulla had also had a facelift. Alicia thinks Brian will be happy because he’s basically sleeping with a new woman now, which let’s face it, is not out of the ordinary for him, so it probably hasn’t made much of a difference. Everyone starts walking out onto the stage and I have to say, as a collective, these are probably the best reunion looks I’ve seen from recent memory anyway. All of the ladies look really beautiful. I think my favourite is probably Kelsey’s cobalt sequin turtleneck dress. Love that shade of blue.

Andy asks Jo Ellen who’s watching her kids and she responds, “Not my mum.” Yikes. I guess their relationship has gone downhill. He also asks Ashley if we’ll get any tears today. I’m gonna say there’s probably already been some tears today. Ashley is basically a water feature at this point. Perhaps she should be down by the bridge at the front of the stage in anticipation of the imminent flood of tears we will likely see. Andy wants to know what’s up with Rulla’s zhuzhed face, a term I’ve never heard applied to one’s face. She says she got rhinoplasty after wanting it for a long time and a lip lift. Andy wants to know what it has been like for them to be thrust into the world of Real Housewives. Alicia says she loves it and that it’s a dream. She talks about her love of crackahs and says, “Who knew crackahs would take off like that.” I love Alicia and I love crackers, but I do have to say that they have been pretty big for some time now, Alicia. It’s not like people have just discovered crackers. I do appreciate your spotlight on them though.

Andy brings up how close the ladies are and Liz says she remembers when Alicia was born. Alicia says she was super close to Liz’s niece, who tried to take her on a horse ride once and she broke out into hives. I feel her pain. I went on what felt like a five-hour horse trek when I was about 12, having no idea that I got extreme hay fever from horses. I honestly don’t remember anything we saw on that trek because I spent the whole time sneezing and wiping fluid from my eyes and nose with my sleeves because I had no tissues. Yet another traumatic core memory taking up space in my brain. Anyway, we’re talking about the drama between Rosie and Kelsey, who Andy can’t tell apart. Even though we watched them say they wanted to move forward what felt like hundreds of times, these bitches are still arguing about a fucking haircut, which Andy finds hard to believe. So do I, to be honest.

They discuss Sally the Slam Pig. Rosie says, “It’s just a word that you use when you’re pissed off.” Kelsey wants to know if she pumps and dumps, which is apparently a defining factor of a slam pig. Uhhhmmmm, I’m not entirely sure what pumps and dumps means in this context. I assume it’s sexual. The only pump and dump I’m aware of is to do with breast milk, so it’s a little jarring to hear it being applied to fucking, to be honest. Anywho, they move on to discussing the affair that Rosie allegedly had with some coach. Apparently he was pulled over and Rosie was in the car, which she denies. Jo Ellen, being the little investigator that she is, says Rosie’s name is in the police report for the DUI this man got at that time, which is pretty damning evidence if her name is in there. Jo Ellen seems confused. She’s all, this man is not cute, he’s not attractive. I’m now perplexed. What does his physical appearance have to do with whether Rosie had an affair with him? She then admits to not even having seen the police report but speaking to some of the people who wrote it. Jo Ellen is such a messy bitch. Give this woman a raise.

Andy brings up the fact that Rulla has inferred that Liz and Gerry have had infidelity in their relationship. Liz is questioning why she thinks that. Rulla seems to be dancing around the subject. It appears to me that Rulla is trying to embellish things Liz may have said about her relationship to perhaps take the spotlight away from what is happening in her own. I don’t really think Liz is the one you want to fuck with in that way and Liz is doing a pretty good job of letting her know she won’t be her scapegoat. Liz says the time Rulla is referring to is when she and Gerry were separated. She was dancing and partying with some guy, then Rulla and Brian called Gerry to let him know. Rulla denies the phone call, which I’m not even really sure why she would deny because she’s the one who brought the situation up. She now wants Andy, Bravo and NBC Productions to subpoena the phone calls. Whatever the hell that means. During this argument between Rulla and Liz, Jo Ellen says, “She’s so aggressive.” Rulla is like, “You better shut your fucking mouth.” It’s pretty evident that Rulla is gagging to dig her nails into Jo Ellen.

The ladies are all taking stabs in the dark as to how many times Ashley cried over the season. They say seven, which is really not that many. I have to assume there were many scenes left on the cutting room floor of her crying. Ashley talks about how special her friendship with Rosie is. Ding, that takes us to eight times. She also tells us that Audrey’s is now draining more life out of both her and her barista husband because it’s busier than it’s ever been. Andy wants to switch gears and asks about Jo Ellen having a wild time in her twenties. Rulla immediately jumps down Jo Ellen’s throat, taunting her about getting into trouble in high school. Jo Ellen says, “Uhhh yeah duh, I talked about it a bunch during the season.” I agree with Jo Ellen. It’s a fucked up thing for Rulla to bring up her being sent away to a troubled teen situation when she knows how traumatic that was for Jo Ellen. Rulla is really grasping at straws though this reunion. Alicia, who knew Jo Ellen in high school, says she wasn’t bad and that she was just being a typical teenager.

Jo Ellen confirms my suspicions that she and her mother are not on the best of terms. Her mother isn’t happy about the way she was portrayed on the show, I guess. Very much reminding me of Michols’ situation in Southern Hospitality. Jo Ellen wants to know why Rulla is still on stage when she was only in three episodes, which is a great point. They should have some kind of ratio-allocated time for people who barely appear in a season. I can only assume she will be a friend of next season. Or perhaps she won’t be on it at all. Her BS is starting to annoy me. They take a five-minute break. Rulla wants Andy to know that she has records that show Brian was in surgery when the cheating video was taken. Andy could not give less of a fuck. Turns out he’s over Rulla’s bullshit too. Annnd now Rulla and Jo Ellen are fighting again. Liz is just trying to have a vape. Jo Ellen wants Rulla to know that Brian is the queen of AI, which I can believe. He truly does give con man vibes. Anyway, Andy is dissociating for five minutes. He walks off over the bridge and far, far away. Probably to have a shot ski. He’s gonna need it.

We’re back from the break and Andy asks about why Liz claimed that Alicia was never homeless. Liz explains that she didn’t mean it as a form of denying Alicia’s experience and that she said it to try and protect Alicia and her family from that stigma, I guess. She gives Alicia a sincere apology. Liz thinks that the situation in the car on the way to Boston was manufactured drama by Alicia and Jo Ellen. Alicia thinks she deserves an Academy Award if that’s the case because she had a nervous breakdown. I don’t think Alicia’s breakdown was manufactured, but I do agree that she deserves an award. Jo Ellen and Liz are going back and forth about voice messages, apparently talking about what was going to take place in the car three days prior to it happening, and Rulla keeps throwing jabs at Jo Ellen. She says, “Kiss my ass.” To which Jo Ellen responds, “You don’t even have an ass, your skin is falling off.” Rulla then says, “At least I don’t have to pump Ozempic to look like this.” Which I guess is meant to be an insult directed at Jo Ellen, but it’s also insulting to Rosie, Rulla’s supposed good friend, who is sitting right beside her. From memory, Rosie is the only one who openly talked about using a GLP-1 on the show. Yet another fail for Rulla.

Liz wants Jo Ellen to know that being patted and placated for three hours doesn’t roll with her. Jo Ellen says she was trying to protect Liz from looking crazy, which is funny. I guess all this bullshit and arguing comes down to friends just trying to protect friends. Andy is like, BREAK TIME, let’s have lunch. Alicia and Jo Ellen are discussing Liz. Jo Ellen says again she was trying to de-escalate the situation between Alicia and Liz. Over in Liz’s room, Kelsey wants Liz to make up a sash for Alicia that says “Not Homeless,” which doesn’t even make any fucking sense because Alicia isn’t homeless now. This is all about when she was younger. Hello Kelsey, are you even aware of what’s happening? Saying shit like that just speaks to her terrible sense of humour. Rulla’s new face is freaking Jo Ellen the fuck out. She wants to know where the hell this new cast member came from. The ladies are heading back from lunch. Apparently there was no lunch to be had for Alicia though because she needs a crackah. Ashley needs eyedrops. I guess those tears aren’t streaming as freely today. She needs to lube her eyes up.

Aaaannnnnd Jo Ellen and Liz are straight back into it. Alicia wants to know how this situation went from her being attacked to Liz being the victim and being ambushed. I guess Liz feels like Alicia was going above and beyond to be dramatic and she says as much. Alicia says, “Liz, that’s crazy.” She says, “This is why I called you abusive.” Meanwhile Liz is holding her head and repeating, “You’re nuts, you’re nuts.” And now we’re having a nutso-off. Who’s crazier? Are any of them crazy? Are both of them insane? Are they all psychopaths? Nope. They just all love to gaslight the fuck out of each other. Alicia shuts the shit down by saying, “If it was a set-up it would’ve been way better television than that!” Quite frankly, I found it extremely entertaining. I’m not sure television gets any better. But the reason it was so good was because it was impromptu. Although I’m now questioning the intent behind Jo Ellen’s big-ass charcuterie board. Did she want Liz to start throwing fancy cheese and cured meat around the car? Who’s to say?

Andy wants to move forward to the hair touch and chair push. He says, “Liz, would you like to address your actions while Rosie’s husband stood up on stage and sang so beautifully?” I’m not sure that’s quite how I would describe Rich’s singing, but that’s neither here nor there. Liz says, “I am tactile defensive,” a term I’ve never heard anyone use. In my world we call that aggressive, Liz. Liz doesn’t think Alicia has a bad bone in her body, but she still thinks Jo Ellen is the devil. She says she will never apologise to Jo Ellen for what happened at Capo. The thing with that is we already saw her apologise in the last episode when they were on that freezing cold beach on Block Island. We find out that Jo Ellen and Liz have been in a fight before about a ski jacket that smelled like cigarettes, which is so fucking ridiculous. I cannot express how much I wish cameras were up during the smoky snowsuit fight. Liz wants to know where the narrative of her and Jo Ellen being best friends came from. Jo Ellen says, “We spent Mother’s Day together!” Liz says, “You embody something my soul rejects.” She’s basically all, “The power of Christ compels you!”

Andy asks Rosie to explain why she thinks Liz, Jo Ellen and Kelsey are in a clique. Rosie says they have blind loyalty to each other and they all talk shit behind her back. Apparently searching through people’s pasts and bringing up old shit from it is just a Rhode Island thing. I don’t know if they know this, but civilian internet sleuths are everywhere. It’s a global thing. Rosie then brings up the fact that Jo Ellen has been trolling her about her show Rhode Trippin’, which to be fair Andy has also been doing most of the reunion too. I’m not sure why it bothers Rosie so much. You do you, girl. Anyway, Jo Ellen is saying it was a misunderstanding. Rulla says, “There’s always an excuse,” and it all kicks off between Rulla and Jo Ellen yet again. Jo Ellen is all, “Who is she? Who is she?!” Rulla says, “Who am I? Who are you?? You’re a nobody, you’re a slut, that’s all you are!”

To which Jo Ellen responds, “Ya husband’s a slut.”

And with that Jo Ellen just won the reunion. CONGRATS JO EELLEN. Can we give her another four-foot trophy please? Not only can this woman paint, but she can read a bitch down. God, I love to see it. Rulla is 100% activated now. Credits are rolling and she’s screaming, “You sleep with doctors,” “I don’t know what’s bigger, your mouth or what’s between your legs,” “She’s a fucking whore.”

Wow. Woow. Woooowyyyy wow. Rulla needs to calm the farm.

Jo Ellen could not be more correct in the fact that the person we should be slut-shaming here is Rulla’s gross, sweaty, bloated, cheating-ass husband.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!