The Valley S3E14
Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Today my nerves are being worked the fuck out by the people of The Valley. Let’s get into Episode 14.
We’re back in Mexico. Janet is still upset and crying. She’s talking to Jason on the phone, telling him she’s overwhelmed. The people at the table are still bitching and complaining about Janet continuing to bring up Danny’s shitty behaviour. The only person sticking up for Janet is Michelle. Janet says to Jason that "it’s bringing up unresolved feelings about stuff she can’t say on camera." She’s clearly having a breakdown and Jesse is still wanking on about how Janet is running away from situations. Like, give her a break. Schwartz says to Janet, "I think it’s just your harshness." Maybe I’m seeing something completely different to everyone else, but I don’t see harshness coming from Janet. She’s obviously hurt about something in her past, and Danny’s actions have triggered something within her.
Back at the table, Schwartz says, "This is not even her pain. Why is she still holding on to it?" Kristen wants to know why she’s doubling down, and Michelle says, "Everyone has a problem with Danny, not just Janet." Apparently this statement is way too big for Nia, who’s obviously always going to stick up for her shitty husband. The only people that don’t have a problem with Danny are the people that haven’t been affected by his bad behaviour. I’m still of the belief that Jesse is using Danny as a scapegoat for his own assholery because, more than anyone, he brings up Danny’s drinking. Jesse is a snake in the grass, trust and believe. Anyway, Nia now wants everyone to stop using the word "uncomfortable." Nia says she can’t with Michelle because Jesse has exhibited lots of behaviour that she’s sure has made people uncomfortable.
She brings up one particular situation where Jesse gave Jason a lap dance and licked his face on a bus full of people, I assume as a joke, which is in no way, shape or form the same as what Danny has done. Also, I’ve literally just had a thought about when Danny got his pants pulled down by Jax in Season 1. He was sensitive as fuck about it. Obviously that made him uncomfortable, and everyone was on Danny’s side and gave him grace. Okay, so let’s not forget that.
We’re back over at the resort pool. Zack is in the middle of telling a story about how him and Benji play a game of "Is it fungus or is it spray tan coming off?" when Lacy arrives. She really has great timing. Down at the beach, Lala, Brittany and Luke are helping baby turtles into the ocean, which is so fucking cute I can’t even stand it. Their tiny little flippers flip-flopping down to the surf. It’s like watching a toddler walk. This is the happiest I’ve ever been watching a scene from The Valley. Too bad it only lasts for about 10 seconds. Then we’re back to Brittany trying to get Luke to empathise with Kristen about being postpartum. Sigh.
Back in town, the people are done with lunch and are back out shopping. They head to a kids' store where Michelle and Jesse want to buy a gift for their daughter, Isabella. Michelle says to Jesse that she’s glad they’re getting along and she wants the energy to be the same when Lacy arrives. She also tells him that it’s hard for her to see Jesse be super affectionate with Lacy when he was never like that with her. He basically says "fuck that" in his testimonial. This is apparently his revenge for what he had to watch when Michelle was with her ex, Aaron. I guess we’re witnessing a new Jesse. He doesn’t seem all that different to me.
Nia is getting coconuts down on the beach, and then all of a sudden Kristen is whipping out her coconuts and running into the water. Good for her. I honestly wish we were seeing that Kristen a lot more this season. She’s right, there’s nothing better than shaking your tatas in fresh ocean water. Michelle then whips her tatas out, and a scene from Baywatch is playing in Janet’s head. Nia is all, "Are we on a nude beach?" No, you’re not, and these people aren’t nude, you fucking prude.
Everyone is back at the resort getting ready for Zack’s birthday party. The theme is slutty whore era. The girls are all debriefing about their day. Janet and Michelle are letting Brittany know that Kristen and Nia are throwing her under the bus. Danny says something I never thought I’d hear him say when he says, "I’d rather hang out with my kids than these people."
Benji, Zack and Schwartz are getting ready, and I have no idea what the fuck Schwartz is wearing. The theme is hoe era, not Brandon Lee’s The Crow. He looks like he’s in WCW and is about to wrestle a member of the nWo. A very specific moment in time for wrestling fans. If you know, you know. Anyway, I have no idea what Schwartz’s objective with this outfit is. Perhaps Gene Simmons is the inspiration? Maybe Blumhouse’s The Nun? He doesn’t know either. He thinks he’s a slutty little goth guy. He then gives us a famous Dorit pose with the two hands on the window and looking back at the camera. Schwartz wants to know if Zack would fuck him. Zack says, "In the clown makeup only."
Melissa and Jasmine are decorating the double-decker party bus they’re taking to the club. It’s also worth mentioning that this double-decker bus is roofless. Everyone is partying and dancing and getting their tits out. Jesse is apparently scandalised by Michelle’s tits, which I can only assume he’s seen hundreds of times. Him and Lacy move to the bottom of the bus. Anyway, there’s a bunch of people downstairs on the bus. Jesse and Brittany are arguing about something I don’t care about.
Meanwhile, Zack and Jasmine are upstairs. Zack screams, "OMG, a bird shit on me!" In my opinion, what happens next completely debunks any claims of a bird shitting on you giving you good luck because Zack is standing up on the top of this roofless bus and gets taken the fuck out by an overhead sign, which is absolutely terrifying and horrible. I can’t. Every time I’ve seen this scene of Zack getting hit in the head in the "coming up" part, it’s like a fucking jump scare. My body has literally jumped every single time. I hate it.
The producers are all, "Oh God. OMG. Oh shit. He’s bleeding." Zack now obviously has to go to hospital, but he still wants to go to the club. Schwartz looks at the wound and is all, "Ohh, that’s not that bad." These people are insane. WHAT IF HE HAS A CONCUSSION? The people are saying they don’t want to go to the club because, hello, Zack, you have a head wound. Zack is like, "Spin me around so I can address the people." He says, "If you don’t go to the club, you are not my real friends!" He’s gonna go get stitched up at the hospital, which is apparently right next to the club, and he will be back to fucking dance.
Next minute, they’re in the club taking shots to Zack’s head wound. Zack is dancing his way to the hospital in the middle of the street. ZACK, YOU’RE GOING TO GET HIT BY A CAR. My God, watching these people is stressful. They all move from Mr Flamingo to another club across the street. Nia tells Danny, "Please, no hip movements. You’re making people uncomfortable." I honestly thought she said it sarcastically, but he’s fucking spiralling. He’s telling everyone under the sun he’s not allowed to dance. At this point, I’d rather see Danny dance than watch him being the petulant little troll that we’re now seeing, and that’s saying something because his dancing grosses me the fuck out. Nia is absolutely exhausted by Danny. Who can blame her?
Danny is upset that Michelle is now dancing on the bar, which is hilarious. Anyway, now we’re subjected to Jesse, Luke and Danny taking their shirts off and dancing on a balcony in defiance. As Schwartz points out, these mofo’s have no rhythm. Zack arrives at the club with his head bandage. He will not be going to bed without seeing strippers on his birthday. He tells us that he once saw Schwartz give a stripper an Applebee’s gift card, which is so on point for Schwartz it’s not even funny. Remember the lemon tattoo on his arm?
They’re all leaving. Danny is about to pop the fuck off about everyone being in the van, apparently. He’s getting nauseous. He needs to use his wife as a footrest. There are like 15 people in this van and Janet has to pee. She’s now peeing in a cup. Even though Zack has been wounded, he says this might be his favourite birthday.
Next week we will be subjected to Danny’s birthday party and Lala reading Danny down. What fun!
Anyway, that’s it for today. Have a good weekend!
Thanks for reading. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!