The Valley S3E15

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Today we’re celebrating an insufferable troll’s birthday, YAY! Let’s get into The Valley Episode 15.

We’re waking up in Mexico the morning after Zack’s birthday. He’s dazed, confused and he has a splitting headache — unsurprisingly. He’s also bleeding and has a fat face — sorry to laugh. In the girls’ suite, there’s leftover room service food everywhere. Brittany is in pain because she forgot to sleep with her tummy compression thing on. Over at Danny and Nia’s suite, Danny is acting a fool as per usual. Danny tells us it’s his birthday, it’s about him — and he wants no drama. But, they’re going on a boat. And all I can think about is the last time all of these people were on a boat together in Hawaii. Let’s face it — it wouldn’t be a boat ride on Bravo without drama. That’s why they make these people take to the high seas! So they’re trapped with each other.

Now all I can think about is how Danny reminds me of Dennis from Always Sunny. Let’s hope he doesn’t use the word ‘implication’… And as I’m having these thoughts Danny yells, ‘can’t wait to have birthday sex’. Bad timing Danny. Janet is telling Lala and Michelle that she doesn’t want to go on Danny’s birthday boat ride. To me it seems pretty obvious why, but Lala still wants an explanation. Janet says last time Kristen almost threw her overboard. Lala says she will stay at the hotel with Janet. They all head out to the boat.

When they arrive we get a montage of flamingos, parrots, boats, drinks being poured and nautical 80’s themed costume accessories for the Miami Vice party. Jasmine thinks Miami Vice is cheesy and outdated, but at least she knows what it is. Luke knows nothing of Miami Vice, he didn’t know it’s a TV show, he asks a producer if it’s like Dexter. No Miami Vice is not like Dexter, but The Valley kind of is. Schwartz is feeling worse for wear. He got lost in the sauce last night — his words not mine. Maybe he was drinking to forget he looked like Beetlejuice in a mesh Temu top.

Zack and Jasmine are on the front of the boat discussing Nia and Kristen talking about everyone else drinking and how it’s a double standard. They want to confront Kristen about the situation at dinner. Back at the hotel Janet and Lala are poolside. Janet wants to tell Lala why the situation with Danny hits so close to home. She explains that when she was at school, she had a situation happen with a boy putting his hands on her.

She pretended like it was a consensual hook up, even though it wasn’t. She says that the whole situation was put on her, she was the whore — and he didn’t have to go through any of the pain and trauma. I’m really proud of both Janet and Lala in this moment. Janet is showing a lot of courage, talking about this situation and Lala is being a great friend and listening with intent. It’s clear that Lala empathises with her, and honestly it makes me so sad how many other women empathise because they’ve had to deal with some fucked up shit like this, myself included. Janet says she’s wanted to tell Jasmine for a while — but also doesn’t want to make the situation about herself.

Over on the boat, Zack is determined to give himself another concussion. He hits his head on the roof of the goddamn boat. Can someone get Zack the Penny Hartz helmet, PLEASE! It’s a blessing and a curse being tall. Zack is petting Schwartz’s head, because clearly he’s not doing well. If anyone deserves to be pity petted it’s Zack! Michelle and Lacy are chatting, and Michelle is telling Lacy she finds it difficult to talk to her because of internal stuff she’s going through. She tells her she hates that they started off on the wrong foot. They both want to get along and move on.

They arrive at a beach and all jump off the boat to swim. Jesse thinks he looks like Daniel Craig coming out of the ocean. The delusion is real. Does anyone else get a weird passive-aggressive vibe from Nia speaking Spanish to the locals? It’s not on them to make your Spanish make sense, bitch. Lacy is talking to Jesse about her conversation with Michelle. Jesse is acting like an asshole, and Lacy is having none of it — a quality of hers I very much enjoy.

Nia is putting everyone to sleep with a story about her 10-year anniversary infinity ring. Jesse wants to know where the fun people are at — I would also like to know. He pulls Kristen for a chat and asks how her and Luke are doing. She says, much like the nature of any long-term relationship, things go up and down. Jesse says he’s worried because Luke is talking to his friends about issues, but not to Kristen. He tells her that Luke said, ‘if things keep going this way, there won’t be a wedding’.

Once again I say, Jesse is the messiest bitch on this cast. How are we giving Janet so much shit, when Jesse doesn’t stop running his mouth? Kristen tells us that one of her fears in life is being abandoned. I don’t want to diminish Kristen’s feelings in any kind of way, but honestly, I think that’s a fear for a lot of people. And now Jesse has basically confirmed that fear.

The people head back to the boat. Lacy tells Jesse that she’s going to need a year of therapy to unwire what these people have done to her in 12 hours. Welp, that’s what you get for putting yourself on The Valley, Lacy. Schwartz and Luke are spooning on the front of the boat, and Kristen comes to talk to Luke about what her and Jesse discussed. Unfortunately, Luke fails to see things as a bigger picture — he’s focusing on small issues in their relationship. I get that when you have a small baby, you get tunnel vision and things are amplified — but seriously.

He needs to work on his foresight and see his life with Kristen as a whole — perhaps they both do. From the experience of someone who has a six-year-old, parenting does get easier — but like, it never becomes the easiest thing in the world. Things don’t magically fall into place. I don’t know if I’m making any sense — I may not have a 3-month-old, but I’m also sleep deprived, you guys!

They all head back to the hotel. Michelle gets back to her room and Lala wants her to know she looks ‘freshly fucked’. Michelle says she has not been freshly fucked, quite the opposite in fact, she’s been crying. Apparently crying does a face good.

In Benji, Schwartz and Zack’s suite, Benji is re-wrapping Zack’s head wound. Schwartz decides he’s gonna wrap his head in solidarity, which is sweet. Danny is asking when his birthday loving is gonna be. FUCKING BARF DANNY.

Everyone is arriving downstairs for dinner. For some weird reason, Jesse is wearing velvet shoes on a beach. This man makes some weird fashion choices. Speaking of the weird fashion choices Jesse has made — I was watching the latest episode of In The City earlier, and there was a scene where Andrea was standing there in his Calvin Klein briefs — which to me was the most perfect juxtaposition of Jesse standing in his saggy grey undies on The Valley. I wonder if Lacy has had the same thought.

Anyway, everyone is hitting the buffet, which seems appropriate for Danny’s birthday. Danny’s still apparently confused — a perpetual state for him. He’s talking to Michelle about how she said he made her feel uncomfortable, which she didn’t. And you are making people uncomfortable. Danny points out that nobody is criticising Jesse for his drinking, and Michelle has to explain to this man yet again that it has nothing to do with drinking — it has to do with behaviour. And Jesse’s behaviour — drunk or sober — is consistent. He’s not harassing people, as far as we’re aware. Nia comes over to shut the situation down, which pisses Lala off. She wants to know why Nia is always intervening. Both Danny and Nia are now wanking on about how everyone should stop talking about the situation, but to my knowledge Danny is the one that brought it up to Michelle. How about you idiots stop talking about it then!

Kristen and Brittany are discussing how Janet text the group to let them know what Nia and Kristen were saying. Kristen is losing her shit — she tells Janet to stop doing her weird robotic shit, and I half think it’s because Janet is dressed in silver — because I have no idea what she’s talking about. Kristen mocks Janet, which is fucking embarrassing. Janet is right — say it with your chest, Kristen. Say the things you said at that lunch to their face. Danny is still rambling on and feeling sorry for himself when Lala comes over and sits down. Jesse basically tells her to piss off — she says no, I want to sit here. He says, ‘well join the conversation then’. Uhhh, that’s exactly what she was doing, Jesse. Jesse is considering himself Danny’s pitbull.

Danny is feeling sorry for himself because he wasn’t allowed to gyrate his hips, which makes Lala laugh — Lacy is seated for this entertainment. Lala is getting activated by the way that Danny is talking to her. Danny reminds us it’s his birthday — like we’ve forgotten. Nia comes and drapes herself over Danny and tells him to disengage. She pulls him away from the table. Now Nia wants to remind us that it’s Danny’s birthday. Jesus Christ — these two are so gross.

Danny walks up to the bar to get another drink, Lala comes over to talk to him and Nia is standing between them. All of a sudden Nia and Lala are screaming at each other. Lala thinks that Nia is protecting Danny because of what he will say to Lala. She says this is not about you, this is about your husband. Danny says, ‘go to your husband’. Lala says, to be clear, if this is what having a husband looks like, she wants no part of it. She calls Danny ‘a misogynistic, small, little Peter pocket-looking mother fucker’, which is hilarious. Zack giggles and lies to everyone by saying, ‘I don’t mean to laugh’. If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.

Danny and Nia are now calling everyone terrible people. Uhhh, aren’t half of these people your friends? Nia storms off — of course Kristen chases after her. This dinner has descended into madness, and it was all brought on because of Danny. Janet is now explaining to Jesse that being trapped in a closet with Danny isn’t a fucking ideal scenario — for obvious reasons. Apparently it’s only just clicked for him. He now gets it.

Nia is boohooing — making out like Janet ruined Danny’s birthday, even though Janet didn’t do jack shit. Now Danny is crying because he didn’t go upstairs with his wife? I’m so fucking confused by these people. He’s alone at the bar drinking, saying ‘nobody cares’. And that’s where the episode ends — Wow, pathetic.

Thanks for reading — enjoy the weekend!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna bee ya!