The Valley S3E16

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we had the absolute displeasure of watching Danny get a vasectomy. Let’s get into The Valley Episode 16.

Every time I watch the opening for The Valley I think to myself, "I, for one, am not fucking alright." Everything is not alright. Anyway, we open in Santa Clarita. Nia and Danny are debriefing about Mexico. They were apparently attacked — not exactly how I remember it. I am on the brink of an anxiety attack looking at the mess that is their bedroom. That can’t be healthy for anyone living in that house. And is it just me, or does their lamp look like anal beads? Perhaps it’s dual use. I don’t understand the containers of clothes. Have they not unpacked since they’ve moved? Who knows. Danny says he’s having a balls-voyage party, which Nia seems to think is adorable. I’ll be happy when I never have to hear about this man’s reproductive system ever again.

We see Jasmine and her mum arriving at wedding dress shopping. Brittany and Zack are waiting there for them. Everyone is choosing dresses for her to try on and Jasmine is feeling overwhelmed. This kind of looks like my worst nightmare. I’m not a big fan of trying on clothes other people pick out, let alone a wedding dress. Zack says she needs a royal poof. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but it sounds bad. One of the ladies tells Jasmine that this dress in particular is from the Game of Thrones-inspired collection. Uhhhmmmmmm... do you really want to be dressing like a bride from any wedding in Game of Thrones? I think not. I can’t remember one wedding from that show that went well on the day or ended well relationship-wise. Kind of like real life, I guess. Anywho, Jasmine starts trying on dresses. She gets emotional with one dress in particular and says, "I didn’t think I was going to look pretty," which is really upsetting to hear. Jasmine is so beautiful. Her and her mum get emotional about how happy she is, which is super cute.

They discuss who’s all coming to their engagement party. Apparently Danny can’t come because "he’s getting his balls chopped off," Jasmine says. Everyone thinks Danny is becoming a eunuch. Everyone but Brittany. At least there’s one person on this cast who understands how a vasectomy works. I’m gonna be honest, I never thought that person would be Brittany. Clearly I’ve underestimated her. Maybe Jax got one? Here’s hoping. Over at Kristen and Luke’s place, Kristen wants to discuss Luke saying he doesn’t want to get married with the way their relationship is. I guess their baby threw a wrench in things — which is like, no fucking shit. The way this man is still perplexed that a kid changes your relationship. Like, I get you don’t know until you know, but you’d think it would’ve occurred to him, even just a little bit, when they were trying to get pregnant, that things would be different.

We see Lala at her place helping Sosa walk. Sosa is the cutest baby ever, especially dressed as a lion. Lala talks about her dog Lilly and how she has been there for her through the good and bad. Lilly is an older dog and Lala says her body has fully given up on her. Annnd now I’m crying. I can’t with the pets. Kristen comes over. They discuss Mexico and the Danny drama. Lala is still struggling to understand how Kristen is still defending Danny. She calls Nia a lineman in a prairie dress, which is cracking Kristen the fuck up. Kristen says she’s in a bubble and gives not one fuck what anyone else is doing, which is understandable with a three-month-old. And honestly, in the same vein, I can understand why Nia doesn’t want to deal with it either. But Danny’s behaviour is only going to get worse if no one holds him accountable. Anyway, Lala says that her seven-year sobriety birthday is coming up and she wants to have a dinner to celebrate.

We’re back in Santa Clarita. SIGH. Schwartz, Jesse and Luke arrive for Danny’s balls-voyage, even though his balls are going nowhere. As soon as Jesse sees Danny, he drops to his knees to say his goodbyes, which is a step too far, quite frankly. They do a close-up on Danny and Nia’s welcome mat, which says, "Yay, you’re here," which makes me laugh. Does it seem passive-aggressive to anyone else? Like, is that doormat taking the piss out of me? I would turn around and leave again upon seeing that. In other news, Luke is wearing a sweatshirt that says "Rugby Rocks," and all I can think about is the poster on Flight of the Conchords in Murray’s office that says "New Zealand Rocks," and it’s just a picture of New Zealand rocks. I don’t know why, but that makes me laugh so much. It’s really stupid, but hilarious.

Danny is at an eight out of ten anxiety. I know this probably comes as a shock to everyone, but he likes to be taken care of. This man is having minor surgery, which Google tells me takes 20 minutes and is not painful. REIN IT IN, DANNY. REIN IT IN. Now Jesse is cheering to Danny’s testicles. So unnecessary. They sit down to eat and Jesse brings up Mexico. He’s talking about how Janet opened up to him about her trauma and the situation with Danny in the pantry. Danny still has zero fucks to give. He says he feels bad for Janet, even though we can tell he doesn’t. Annnd Luke is right there along with him. I’m over here thinking about how these two men have daughters. Schwartz says, "You should respect and not undermine or diminish someone’s feelings." He says, "When you react and match their energy, it confirms their biases and corroborates the way they feel about you," which is the smartest thing I’ve ever heard him say. I agree with Schwartz, although I don’t think anyone has come at Danny that crazy. His reactions are what’s perpetuating this situation. If he calmly took the information in, listened and actually understood where people were coming from, his behaviour would inherently change.

Zack and Danny arrive at the urologist’s office. He’s worn black to mourn just one testicle, according to him. NO TESTICLES ARE HARMED DURING THE PROCEDURE! NOT EVEN ONE! Danny has literally had a doctor sit down and explain this to him, and he still has no idea it only affects the tubes his sperm travel through. I’m starting to feel gaslit watching this show because everyone — sorry, everyone besides Brittany — is saying he’s losing his balls. Am I missing something??? Anyway, Valerie the nurse has the fun job of shaving the area. Godspeed, Valerie. She gives Danny the nitrous oxide. Annnd I’m giving it two minutes before he’s slapping her ass and asking her to get Daddy a drink. The laughing gas is flowing when the doctor enters the room and mentions something about jazz. Danny is now skee bobbada boop bopping all over the show. The doctor begins and, of course, Danny is screaming. He wants an epidural. Danny, I can tell you from experience that an epidural itself is more fucking painful than anything you are experiencing in this moment, not to mention how fucking itchy your legs and feet get as it’s wearing off. Thank your lucky fucking stars you don’t need one. What an asshole. Because the editors of The Valley despise Danny as much as the rest of us, they tell us that the procedure took all of seven minutes and 30 seconds. I would like to thank them for their service.

Everyone is arriving at Lala’s seven-year sobriety birthday. Lala tells everyone that she had to make the decision for her dog Lilly. Annnnd I’m crying again. Oh mee gee. Lala is such an asset to this show. Thank God we have one sober person, honestly. They reminisce about Mexico. Lala says she loved Zack’s birthday night, even though he cracked his head open, although there is no scar to be seen. Janet tells them that Zack and her followed each other on social media again. Buuuut then Zack unfollowed five minutes later. He can’t let go of the Janet beef, even though he’s lying straight to our faces and telling us he wants to move forward with her. SHE WAS JOKING ABOUT BEING BEST FRIENDS, ZACK. Be like Elsa and let it go. Janet asks, "What did I do to you even?" And I honestly cannot even remember. I can remember a particularly horrible thing that Zack said about Janet when she was pregnant, but let’s not bring that back into the mix. Now we’re talking about how Kristen can’t get over the hating-Janet of it all. Jasmine, watching all of this, tells us about her worry stone. I guess it’s a stone that you carry around with you and rub and put all of your anxious, stressful energy into. She’s now reliant on hers. Now I understand why otters have a favourite stone they carry around for life. Otters truly are so smart and adorable. Where were we? Oh yeah, everyone still hating Janet. Janet wants Zack and Kristen to build a bridge. I agree.

We’re now seeing everyone arrive at Jasmine and Melissa’s engagement party. Zack apologises to Luke for accidentally grabbing his butt, and in this moment I understand why he’s friends with Danny. Luke wants his butt grabbed by a man. He says it hasn’t been grabbed in a long time. I could honestly care less. Karen, Jasmine’s mum, arrives, followed by Jasmine and Melissa. Everyone cheers. Lacy, Jesse and Kristen are discussing Janet. Jesse again says that he understands the situation better since talking to Janet in Mexico. Kristen says she knew nothing about Janet’s trauma and thinks the timing of her bringing it up is dubious. I don’t understand how the timing is off. Last year she was in a triggered state and probably the last thing she wanted to talk about was her past trauma. People still want an explanation for her actions last year, so now she’s providing you one, and you’re still not getting it? What the fuck?

Brittany is telling Janet and Michelle that her feet are starting to hurt. We get a close-up of her feet in see-through shoes. I don’t understand the point of transparent shoes, especially stilettos. I don’t need to see those toes all mushed together and cramped up! They look so fucking uncomfortable. Aye ye yayyy. We end the episode with Melissa and Jasmine giving a speech. Melissa wants to thank Brittany for the beautiful birthday, which is funny. They seem really happy and it’s beautiful to see. Can we get more lesbians on Bravo, please! And I don’t mean more like Julia and Martina on Miami.

In the coming-up preview we see Janet ordering a bunch of food, which is making me hungry.

Anyway, that’s it for Episode 16. I’m going to be away for two weeks, so I’ll miss the next two episodes, BUT I will be doing some bonus episodes of House of Villains Season 1.

Thanks for reading! Have a good weekend!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna bee ya!