The Valley S3E8

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

We open up the episode back where we left the last, mid-argument between Danny and Lala. Danny is screaming, "She's triggered, she's triggered!" Lala wants to know why he's being so passive-aggressive, but Danny doesn't get it. People who have their heads shoved up their ass rarely understand their own actions. Lala asks Danny, "What could Nia have possibly done to make you pissed off about a synthetic wig?" His fragile ego, that's what. Nia says, "Can you just hear Lala? Can you just let her express her feelings?" Nia knows all too well that Danny is not the type of man to let a woman express her feelings. We can see by his actions, his words and that smug fucking look on his face that he thinks women should be in the kitchen, cooking, with babies hanging off their tits. Also, Danny pulled out of being on Watch What Happens Live after this episode, you guys. He's taking zero accountability. Absolutely shocking. I did see some people on Threads saying they were glad he wasn't going to be on because they don't want his toxic masculinity to have a platform, which I agree with. But also, he has a platform on The Valley for another five episodes. I'd like to see Andy hold him accountable for his reprehensible actions.

Anyway, Lala is getting suffocated vibes from Danny and Nia. She thinks they're shoving shit under the rug. Meanwhile, this whole scene is taking place while Jesse is getting his makeup done by Lacy. He looks like a pissed-off beauty queen from the 70s. Hilarious. Whose idea was it for him to wear a sparkly gold snakeskin jumpsuit? I hope he's tucked. I don't want to see any moose knuckles. Lala leaves and goes to blow off steam with Zach and Brittany. She calls him a little shrimp. She's all, "Listen here, Polly Pocket. I am not the one." We see everyone else getting ready. Lala wants Zach to know that he looks amazing, although he looks like he's about to face plant with that chest plate. Schwartz gives me a fucking jump scare with those glasses. What on earth? He's giving blonde Edna Mode from The Incredibles. Are they trying to win with these outfits?

Danny can't fucking let it go. He still wants his sash to say "Miss Triggered." Wow, wow, wow Danny. You really want to die today, huh? Jesse is going to break his damn ankle in those nine-inch Pleaser heels. I can barely wear four-inch heels. The nerve, Jesse. Zach is titillated by the sensation of his boobs jiggling when he laughs. Janet is instructing Schwartz how to walk. She's all, shoulders back, tummy in, boobs out, chin up. Lala tells Jesse that he looks like Dolly Parton, which he does not. Also, let's not bring Dolly into this, please. None of these men deserve to be compared to her. Nia is telling Danny to back away from the judges because she's taking this pageant very seriously and does not want them to see Daniel before showtime. She says, "I can tell you've had a shift in energy, and I appreciate it." He responds, "Don't talk to me like that," and I'm like, WTF? She was saying that she appreciates you not having dickhead energy and then you revert straight back to it. My God, this man is exhausting. Nia is exhausted. She's uncomfortable.

The pageant starts and apparently they're being judged by their performance and outfit. Schwartz is first out as Miss Judged, and I've just realised who he looks like: Andy Warhol dressed as Cinderella. Also, he's not wearing any makeup. You're not doing drag if you're not wearing makeup. Next is Jesse, AKA Mr Whine-O. He walks out and immediately rolls his ankle. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU, JESSE. Literally knew that would happen, but somehow he continues walking. Luke comes out as Miss Taken. He's meant to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, but he's giving me more Sansa Stark vibes. Apparently that turns Jesse on. Then we have Zach as Miss Petty. He's eating it up and bobbling those boobies all over the show. Danny comes out ass backwards with his dress tucked into his undies. Barf. Lala is not impressed. Her face describes exactly how I feel.

So Zach 100% agrees that Tom looks like Edna Mode, but also adds, "Bootleg Cinderella with a stigmatism." Votes are in and the judges pick Miss Judged, aka Schwartz, as Miss Congeniality. The top two are Luke and Zach. Danny is pissed. Jesse is upset with himself for taking a tumble. Runner-up is Miss Taken and winner is Miss Petty, aka Zach. Nia apparently got the two mixed up and Zach demands a recount. I just realised Jason wasn't in the pageant. Is he not on the trip? How did I only just notice that he's not there? Danny is acting a damn fool, as per usual, flashing his fucking balls all over the place, which is so gross. As Janet says, "Nobody wants to see that." Another example of him being drunk and inappropriate. In the bin, Daniel.

Nia and Danny go outside to have a conversation. Unfortunately, he's still acting like a drunk idiot. She's trying to explain that things were tense earlier and Danny wasn't listening to her. He blames his behaviour on being competitive. And now he's gaslighting Nia by saying, "You don't have to raise your voice," when she in no way, shape or form did. Inside, Lala is explaining the situation to the girls. She thinks Danny has little man's syndrome. She's correct. None of them want to say anything because they will become public enemy number one, just like Janet last season. Danny storms off from Nia like a toddler. He goes inside and starts slapping Zach's fake titties. Everything about this is giving me the ick. Could he be any more misogynistic?

Nia comes in and says she wants to help him take off his makeup and heels. He starts wanking on and saying, "I can't believe you said that shit!" and "So stupid." At this point, I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. He basically says, "We're not supposed to have conversations like this on the TV show." They go outside and he's yelling at Nia to take her microphone off. I didn't really think The Valley could get much darker, but here we are. The next morning, Nia feels bad. Uhhhh, what? I actually can't with these two. Danny apparently feels bad about his behaviour and apologises.

In the main house, Lala, Janet and Michelle are discussing Danny's inappropriate behaviour. It's obvious they've all experienced things that made them uncomfortable when Danny has been drinking. Danny comes in to talk to Lala. He says he's apologised to Nia, blah blah blah. Lala says, "With zero judgment, I think that something happens when you've had one too many drinks." In his testimonial he gets defensive, but not to her face. OK, Danny. Janet pulls Nia outside for a chat. Janet apologises to Nia about things she said last season. Nia feels indifferent. She doesn't think Janet is genuinely sorry. It seems they leave things in the exact same state they were in.

They're all heading back to LA. Janet and Jason are discussing the idea of baby number two, and Janet says if she has another baby she will be in the geriatric pregnancy zone, which is what every woman wants to hear. Nothing better than someone applying the term geriatric to you when you're thirty-fucking-five. Janet says she thinks it's unfair that she has to carry the second baby. She wants Jason to do it, a sentiment which I can agree with. If my husband could carry a baby, I'd probably have more too. How are we 31 years past the movie Junior and still no closer to it being reality?

The men are meeting up to play basketball, or hoops as Luke calls it. I don't know, sport eludes me. Apparently it eludes these men too because none of them seem to be making any actual hoops. Jason all of a sudden is on the ground. I have no idea what just happened. It sounded like something popped. I think he fucked his knee, and annnd there's an ambulance coming. I went back and before that happened he was already limping. He's severely regretting his decision to play. Yikes.

Zach, Brittany, Kristen and Lala meet up for drinks. Brittany says that Cruz is doing a lot better since Jax has moved out, which is completely understandable. She's having a tough time trying to co-parent with that demon. Nobody envies her position, I'm sure. Lala says to Kristen that there's a real issue with Danny and Nia. She says, "The way that Danny speaks to Nia is completely unacceptable," and Lala wants Kristen to be privy to the shitty behaviour. Kristen says she's aspiring to be like Danny and Nia in the way that they don't air their dirty laundry in public, which is fair enough, but that's not the issue. Brittany thinks they're hiding their life. Zach disagrees. I'm not 100% sure what the truth is, but there's clearly a problem with the way Danny is treating Nia. They can all agree on that. I'm not sure how Kristen didn't see the behaviour in San Diego. Lala thinks she's turning a blind eye to it because she's in an alliance with Nia.

Anyway, that's where the episode ends.
Until next time, thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!