The Valley S3E9

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we are walking through the valley of the shadow of… despair. Let’s get into The Valley Episode 9.

In the very first scene, we’re subjected to watching Luke call Kristen’s tits “his fun bags” - sigh. Needless to say, I’m concerned about Luke and his behaviour. All the talk about how much he needs sex, his need to fish all the fucking time, the lack of empathy and sympathy for what Kristen is going through post-partum, their growing relationship with Danny and Nia, and the want and need to replicate what Danny and Nia have in terms of their relationship. Luke wants to live in Colorado, he wants to live in Nashville, he wants to live anywhere which isn’t LA. I’m concerned for Kristen. I’d also like to point out that Luke completely contradicted himself when it came to the whole Lala and Danny situation. On the After Show, he said if he were Danny, he would have told Lala to piss off and mind her business. On WWHL, which was filmed around the same time as the episode aired, he said that Danny was being an asshole. So basically, he changed his opinion given the fans' outrage towards Danny.

The first two seasons, Luke didn’t seem so bad. In fact I kinda liked him. But as every straight, white male in the Bravoverse goes, I fear it’s down the tubes from here. Anyway, they’re out at dinner and Luke is feeling the need to mansplain the difference between men and women to Kristen. I guess he wants her to know he’s not a mind reader when it comes to her anxiety, which I’m sure she’s very aware of. Luke also wants to say that you could make the case that any person on The Valley has a drinking problem, not just Danny. I don’t necessarily think that’s true. Perhaps you could with Luke, Jesse, Schwartz and Danny? The difference is, Danny specifically, is making people uncomfortable when he’s drinking. From what I can tell, no one else is. We find out that today, Luke is as happy as a pig in shit because he’s gotten to do a few of his favourite things - fish, fuck, drink and play with Kristen’s fun bags. Kristen basically says to Luke - It's just in my nature, so take it like a taker, 'cause baby, I'm a giver. Much like every other woman on this planet.

Michelle meets up with Lala to go on a hike. Lala tells Michelle that she doesn’t normally go on hikes because she can go up, but she can’t go down. And herein lies the problem when I watch The Valley. Because when she said that, my brain immediately wanted to make a joke about her sucking dick and going down on Ariana in the back of a car while Sandoval was driving. My brain literally turns into that of a 13-year-old boy and I blame the horrible men on this show. If they don’t have to take accountability, then why should I! Anywho, Michelle is telling Lala that Jesse got a 300 thousand dollar loan when they were married, which I guess she wasn’t privy to, and apparently she has to pay half of it. But he hasn’t been paying any of this loan, so now there’s another 30 thousand piled on top of it before they can even start paying off the other 300. Which is fucking wild. And on top of that, Jesse can’t even pay half of the 30 thousand. Is Jesse broke?? They always talk about how much money he spends but no-one has ever said he doesn’t have money. I don’t know. I hate every single bit of this. What an absolute shit show.

Nia and Zach are around at Kristen’s. Kristen and Zach are trying to talk to Nia about Danny’s behaviour, but as it goes, she’s not having a bar of it. She says he apologised to me, he apologised to Lala, let’s move on. Then she starts getting extremely defensive. She’s freaking out and jiggling Adelaide the baby all over the show. Cut to her back at home telling Danny about the situation. They’re doubling down on the fact that Danny doesn’t have a problem and discuss everyone else in the group’s drinking problems. Deflection - what a great form of denial.

Unlike most of these people, Jason is using actual physical crutches. His knee is fucked. I guess he needs surgery, which is a bummer. Jason is upset about the fact that he’s not going to be able to chase his kid around and play with him while he’s recovering. Over at Brittany’s house, she’s having a crab boil / girl’s night. The night before surgery? Are you allowed to eat before surgery? Or did she make this for everyone else? I don’t know what’s happening. Janet says “nothing makes me want to have sex with Jason more than knowing I can’t.” Apparently they went over every position and all of them have potential for re-injury. Hmmmmmm. I don’t know about that. Anyway, Lala says you’ll just have to give him blowjobs and Janet is all no way is that happening. Zach wants Jason to know that he’s available if Janet isn’t willing.

Brittany gets emotional. She’s getting rid of the last piece of toxicity that Jax Taylor has in her life - her boob implants. Zach, Lala, Kristen, Jasmine and Nia are talking outside about the San Diego situation with Danny. Lala reiterates that she was triggered because of the stuff she’s been through. Nia is pagenting her way through this with a big old smile on her face. She says we do all the therapy and we’re good. Jasmine tries to talk and Kristen shuts her down saying she’s drunk. Jasmine continues to get irritated because everyone is letting Lala talk about her triggers, but no one wanted to hear about hers last year when it came to her situation with Danny, when he inappropriately touched both her and her girlfriend, Melissa. It is kind of weird that Jasmine hasn’t been a part of the wider conversation when it comes to Danny, given that situation.

We see Jasmine and Kristen meet up later on. Jasmine gets emotional and says to Kristen that she would’ve preferred that Kristen was there for her rather than getting so angry with Janet. Kristen agrees that she could’ve been more supportive in the moment. Jasmine says, “I’m black, I’m gay and I’m a woman - I have to fight 3 times harder for people to take me seriously.” And even though she doesn’t want to feel this way about her friends, she feels they may see Lala’s perspective more because she’s white. I would say, unfortunately, she’s probably correct.

We then see Brittany coming out of surgery. Kristen and Zack come collect her. In the car Brittany tells them she feels like ass hole. Apparently every single one of them forgot that she has a big fuck-off flight of stairs, but somehow they manage to get her up them. Schwartz and Jasmine are around at Jason and Janet’s house to check up on Jason. Jasmine tells Jason and Janet that she really appreciates them having her back last year. And Schwartz? He bought a plant and a mariachi band, which is like... of course he did. He seems to think that the band is going to wash all of Jason’s worries away. Unless they’re staying for 9 to 12 months, I would say perhaps not. Also, I’m sure they really appreciate you bringing around yet another thing they have to look after while Jason can barely move. That being the plant, not the mariachi band.

I actually think plants are great gifts. I love a plant. But they’re not for everyone and they do require maintenance. My advice to Schwartz is: be more discerning of who you’re buying them for. At this point it comes off as lazy to just give them to everyone.

At the end of the episode, Michelle and Jesse meet up for coffee and she ain’t fucking around anymore - she’s bought divorce papers. She tells him she’s willing to pay half of his 300k debt just to get rid of him. Wooof. Jesse says he will sign and send her an email. Michelle gets upset because divorce is sad and she remembers all of the good times they had together, which makes me upset. I know people talk a lot about her being robotic, but maybe she’s that way just to protect herself, ya know?

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!