Real Housewives of Rhode Island S1E12

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.

Today we’re discussing The Real Housewives of Rhode Island Episode 12. We open with all of the ladies packing for their Block Island trip. Rulla is contemplating whether she should bring her birthday girl captain hat. I'd like to point out that the captain is usually pretty present in their role, which is a lot more than I can say for you this season, Rulla. You are not the captain of this ship. Alicia is throwing suitcases down staircases. Over at Kelsey’s apartment, she’s packing and calls Liz. She tells us that Block Island is one of the most beautiful places Rhode Island has to offer. She says she has lots of plans and wants us to call her Mrs Congeniality, which is a bit of a stretch in my opinion. Apparently Liz is going into the trip with peace, and she’s hoping Jo Ellen is going in the same way.

In the morning we see everyone arriving at the ferry. When Jo Ellen arrives she gives Liz a very awkward hug, and Liz mocks her in her testimonial. Jo Ellen says her goal is to move on with Liz on this trip, immediately followed by comparing it to an abusive relationship. The old “I want to move on but that person is an asshole” narrative. So clearly neither of them are going into this trip with peace. They board the boat and head off. We learn that Jared, Ashley’s barista husband, gets motion sickness, which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one. He’s a toddler after all. Meanwhile Ashley absolutely thrives in sun and salt water. These two seemingly could not be more opposite. She’s pretending she’s on Titanic, which honestly I’ve never understood. It’s an iconic movie and scene for sure, but we all know how the movie ends. The last thing I want to think about when I’m on a boat is a ship that was deemed unsinkable striking an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean and claiming the lives of over 1,500 passengers and crew. I’m thinking about Steamboat Willie, which, believe it or not, is the only movie about a boat I can think of where nothing bad happens on the boat or to the boat. Perhaps it’s better to just think about the destination.

After an hour on the ferry they arrive. Ashley says Block Island is like the Caribbean to Rhode Islanders. She says they think, “Why go to Hawaii when you could go to Block Island?” First of all, I seriously hope Ashley knows that Hawaii is not in the Caribbean. Secondly, Block Island looks nothing like the Caribbean or Hawaii to me. But I haven’t been to either, so what the fuck do I know? It does look beautiful though, in a rustic kind of way. Sort of like New Zealand. We see cliffs, wild beaches, a lot of greenery, and it’s windy. They head over to a bar on the beach and grab strawberry daiquiris made in pineapples, which look delicious and very summery, but these people are cold as fuck.

Jo Ellen and Liz decide to go for a walk together. They agree that they have a genuine friendship. They don’t want to rehash anything and then, guess what, you guys? They start talking about the Frank Sinatra Boston night again. So I guess we are rehashing shit. Anyway, they say the phrase “move on,” “I want to move on,” and “let’s start fresh” a bunch of times, then they hug it out. Back with the other ladies, Rulla is thanking everyone for being there for her, but all I can focus on is what the fuck Ashley has on her head. She wasn’t kidding about thriving in sun, salt, and sand because she has some kind of makeshift mermaid crown on her head. It looks like a bunch of shells and seaweed and I’m unsure whether she bought it, already owned it, or just rummaged it together from bits and bobs she found on the beach. If it’s the last option, I’m honestly impressed. It doesn’t look high quality, but it is withstanding the wind.

Rulla is talking about her situation with Jo Ellen. She says the way Jo Ellen brought up the cheating allegations at a public event wasn’t right, and perhaps she’s right about that. But I agree with Rosie that I would want to see everything that’s going around, whereas Rulla just seems to be sticking her head in the ground. Liz and Jo Ellen come back to the group and they take gummy bear shots, which honestly sounds horrible. Alicia then tells us the nightmare that was Billy proposing to her. She was eight months pregnant and had bronchitis to the point where she couldn’t get out of bed. He forced her to get up and I think she said she picked the ring up out of a bunch of her clothes. She said yes, then fucked off to have a fudgsicle. This man did this knowing that she’s obsessed with fairytale princesses and shit. Massive fail, Billy. Liz asks Rulla if there’s anything she wants to talk to Jo Ellen about. She brings up the video Jo Ellen showed everyone and says it’s nobody’s business. Unfortunately Brian is clearly doing shit where people are taking videos of him, so it becomes public fodder and pretty much is other people’s business. Plus these are your friends expressing concern. She also says, “I just want to handle my story my own way,” which makes it sound like you’re manipulating facts so the situation doesn’t seem as bad as it is.

Rosie, Jo Ellen and Alicia go for a walk and are also discussing the Brian cheating situation. Alicia says, “I thought he was going to blow his load at the Arabian Nights party.” Jo Ellen responds, “He was going to come?” Alicia clarifies that she meant explode in anger. Jo Ellen wants everyone to know she’s not going to be the fall guy. Too late. The group arrives at their accommodations and Kelsey tells everyone to freshen up and meet back for dinner. Everyone is unpacking in their rooms. Both Jo Ellen and Rulla are still blabbing to their husbands about the situation, and I’m just as done with this storyline as both of these men are. Can we move on please? Too bad for me, because it’s going to be all they talk about for at least one part of the reunion.

Bill and Alicia are heading downstairs when Alicia gets distracted by a mermaid door knocker. Anyway, it turns out Alicia is terrified of walking down stairs. I kind of get it. Walking down stairs in heels is scary. You could break your damn ankle. Also, her mum apparently dropped her down a flight of stairs when she was younger. I’m going to assume by accident, so there’s that. They walk down to a lawn with chairs and Alicia says, “Aw, did you do a romantic thing?” I want to get into the romance of it all, but I can’t stop thinking about how this hotel and the surrounding area look just like where The Witches from the ’90s was filmed. You know, the Roald Dahl adaptation with Anjelica Huston. The place where they’re sitting looks kind of like where one of the witches pushes a pram with a baby in it down the hill, which is like the opposite of romantic. That movie terrified me as a kid. After that I was constantly on the lookout for ladies with purple eyes, square toes and a look on their face like they smelled dog shit.

Back to Alicia and Billy. They step into a heart made of candles with roses and two seats in it. He goes on a rant about being two ships in the night and getting caught up in things that aren’t important. Apparently I’m not the only one ruining the romance because Rosie, in her see-through pink lace pants, is leaning out the window trying to catcall them. Billy is now saying something about good times, bad times, scary times and kicking cans down a road, and I’m like, get to the point, Bill. None of us are getting any younger with this speech. Alicia is telling him how much she appreciates the gesture until he tries to take her engagement ring off and damn near rips her ring finger off. He gets down on one knee and proposes again. A waiter comes over with champagne and Alicia can’t help herself but tell this random man that Billy never properly proposed the first time. Alicia is hilarious. She also says, “I feel like we’re destined to be together. That’s why I’ve stuck around, because you know a lot of other guys like me.” Alicia is now planning her perfect white wedding and mermaid dress. I guess she was inspired by the door knocker.

Everyone is congregating in the bar area and congratulating Billy and Alicia. Meanwhile Jo Ellen heads up to Rulla’s room. Jo Ellen says she wants to clear the air and that she’s not trying to overstep. Rulla says that when she was on her deathbed, Jo Ellen was going around showing everyone the video. Jo Ellen says, “You wanted proof, I got your proof.” Rulla doesn’t want to see it. She still thinks it’s fake. Downstairs, Brian and Gary are talking about the video. Brian says, “Yeah I fucked up, you know.” He then says, “I don’t know if it was middle age or hormones.” Inferring it could be a hormone imbalance, I assume. Uhhhh, a woman’s menstrual cycle causes hormone levels to rise and fall dramatically, more dramatically than men’s hormones anyway. So if an imbalance were the cause, there would be way more women cheating than men. Instead of blaming your shitty actions on your hormones, how about just blame them on you being a dickhead? Jo Ellen apologises to Rulla and tells her she won’t bring it up again. They hug it out.

Gary goes back downstairs and tells everyone that Brian admitted the video is real. Alicia wants to know why he admitted it. Probably because the video exists and a lot of people have now seen it. I’m not sure how he could deny it. They head outside for dinner and it’s windy and cold. Kelsey has brought a box to dinner. She says it’s called Clam Shell Confessionals, which is apparently like the Newlywed Game. Ashley is psyched about it, which is very on brand for her. Jo Ellen goes first and asks who is most likely to have a safe word. Everyone says Jo Ellen. Liz reads the question, “What’s something you’ve never told this group, but probably should?” She wonders who she should direct it to and all the ladies yell, “Brian!” Nope. She gives it to the most boring person at the table, Jared the barista. He starts wanking on about Rhode Island. I have no idea how that answers the question and I genuinely don’t care. Rulla asks what is the most embarrassing thing your partner has done in public. Alicia immediately says, “Oh bitch, that’s God.” Kelsey interjects and says they don’t have to ask their spouse, so Rulla gives it to Gary. Gary says Jo Ellen doesn’t do anything embarrassing, which we all know isn’t true, but Gary wins the best husband award on this show. Kelsey then asks if there is one person who will stab you in the back and smile in your face. She asks Rulla to answer. Rulla says earlier this summer she would have said Jo Ellen, but they’ve built a bridge and she no longer thinks anyone fits that description. Probably your husband. Your husband fits that description.

Brian then gives a speech. Why are we letting this man speak? Ugh. He says something about people making them the most popular and Jo Ellen is like, “Are you delusional?” which is exactly what I’m thinking. Rulla follows with a speech of her own and breaks down crying. She says, “You never know what will creep up and hit you in the face.” Liz responds, “And hit you in the face again, and again, and again, and again.” Alicia says Jo Ellen was trying to have Rulla’s back. Rosie points out that this is not Jo Ellen’s fault and the problem is Brian. Brian is drunk and mumbling about Rulla putting her ego and pride aside for him. Liz tells us she doesn’t think what Brian has done is grounds for divorce. Alicia says, “This shit is done. It’s been put to bed and put in the ocean and it’s drowned.” Maybe she means it’s dead in the water because everyone is cracking up. At the end of dinner everyone is kumbaya-ing and giving speeches while we get updates on where the ladies are now. Rosie’s house and friendship with Kelsey are both under construction. Jo Ellen is working on her relationship with her mum and still talks to Brian’s mistress. Liz is getting high off her own supply and having a granddaughter. Kelsey is learning how to write her own cheques. Ashley continues to deal with the money-sucking leech that is Audrey’s. Alicia is taking more creative control at Pizza Mama’s and working on her own line of crackahs. Rulla forgave Brian and wanted to close that chapter but...

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN. One month later, Brian is accused of domestic violence and placing a tracking device in Rulla’s car. Woof. Over at Rulla’s house, Rosie and Ashley pull up in Rosie’s hideous pink jeep, while Alicia and Kelsey arrive shortly after. Jo Ellen arrives at Liz’s house and they’re immediately like, “Alright bitch, let’s gossip.” Alicia wants to know what the fuck happened. Rulla says the story has been sensationalised. She says Brian was arrested for tracking her, which apparently falls under domestic violence in Rhode Island. Rulla was suspicious that he was tracking her. She went to BMW but they couldn’t check, so she had to go to the police. She says she’s told Brian to seek help to figure out why all of this is happening. Kelsey wants to know if Rulla can find any part of her heart to thank Jo Ellen for bringing these issues to the forefront. Jo Ellen tells us the mistress apparently picked Brian up from jail. Rulla does not want to thank Jo Ellen. She says she doesn’t want to downplay anything, which is exactly what she’s doing. She’s still defending this asshole who was stalking her. I don’t know where she’s at at the moment. I think I heard they were getting divorced, which I hope is the case. She asked him why he was tracking her and he danced around it. She questions whether it was because he wanted to know when she would be coming back or whether she was driving past the other woman’s house. Ultimately it doesn’t fucking matter why. It’s illegal and creepy as fuck.

Anyway, two-part reunion coming up, so perhaps we’ll find out more. Or perhaps Brian and Rulla will continue their reign of denial and silence. Who knows?

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!