Real Housewives of Rhode Island S1E9

Kia ora, hello and welcome to Anyway! The blog where I unpack the chaos of reality TV.
Today, I’m diving into Real Housewives of Rhode Island Episode 9.

We’re still at Rosie’s house with Rosie screaming about what a bitch Kelsey is. In response, she starts furiously spraying "protection spray" around the house to exorcise the demon spirits Kelsey apparently left behind. Poor Clemmy is getting absolutely doused in the process. Also, Bravolebrities will buy any kind of lotion, potion or spray they can get their hands on. Remember Craig’s empathy spray? L O fucking L. More power to them, I guess. Meanwhile, Kelsey calls Liz from the car to give her version of events. According to Kelsey, Rosie is the only one who has slept with married men and she plans on sending Rosie a Venmo request for the gas she wasted driving over there. These two are so petty. I love it.

Over at Audrey’s, Ashley and her barista husband are buying supplies for the café while discussing the upcoming trivia night they're hoping will generate more business. Clearly Jared is not interested in making more money while working fewer hours by pivoting into influencer life. They do say work smarter, not harder, Jared, but whatever. Ashley, meanwhile, appears to have never visited a bulk supermarket before because she’s completely mesmerised by the giant blocks of chocolate. She also wants to start selling bags of Doritos at the café, which wouldn’t exactly be my first choice of café food. Ashley has this childlike whimsy about her that’s growing on me. At first I found her slightly annoying, though that may have been due to the perpetual crying during the first few episodes. Rosie calls with an update about Kelsey and immediately announces she refuses to attend trivia if Kelsey is there. Ashley is devastated. What happened to the bonding they all did on that giant water slide? For now she’s letting the situation simmer while cracking open a bag of Doritos. Honestly, I knew she bought those for herself because that’s exactly what I would’ve done.

Rulla and Alicia meet at the beach where they conveniently run into Jo Ellen’s former friend and neighbour Amanda. Apparently Amanda and Jo Ellen no longer speak because Jo Ellen allegedly stabbed her in the back. Suddenly Rulla’s light is being dimmed and she’s blaming Jo Ellen too. She now doesn’t want to attend trivia night either, which is becoming a problem because it’s difficult to host trivia when nobody shows up to answer the questions. The conversation shifts to Alicia’s childhood and how her father left her mother with nothing. Alicia worries that if Billy ever left her, she could find herself in a similar position. Rulla asks what protections she wants to put in place so she feels secure. Honestly, I feel terrible for Alicia. I’ve seen posts from her suggesting Billy has taken money from her as well. It seems like she adds enormous value to his life, yet he still doesn’t make her feel financially secure. Billy really needs to step it up if he wants to keep Alicia around. She’s a queen, and I have no doubt the Bravo fandom would support whatever business venture she launched, whether that’s dolls, crackahs or ten-wick candles.

Later, Jo Ellen and Gary meet Liz, Gerry, Kelsey and Bill for dinner. Before we even get to the drama, we have some classic Real Housewives drink orders. Liz requests what amounts to a gin drink with pomegranate and a shit ton of lemons, while Kelsey orders a lemon drop martini on the rocks with no limoncello. The problem with complicated drink orders is they’re never consistently good and you run the risk of the bartender spitting in your drink for being difficult. Jo Ellen tells the table Rosie called her after the fight, which confuses Liz because she thought those two barely got along. Liz describes Jo Ellen as a banana peel — slippery as fuck. Kelsey then explains Rosie called her a slam pig, a term virtually nobody on earth has ever heard before. Jo Ellen makes it clear that despite how ridiculous it sounds, it is absolutely not a compliment. Trust me, if someone is screaming "slam pig" at me, I know they’re not praising me.

The conversation turns into a discussion about slut-shaming. Liz says she hates terms like that and honestly, so do I. Unless they’re directed at misogynistic men who invented the terms in the first place, what exactly are we doing? If you’re a woman tearing down another woman for having sex, you’re tearing down all women. Please stop. Kelsey says she’s absolutely attending trivia despite not wanting to see Rosie because she wants to support Ashley. Then things take a turn. She asks the men whether it’s normal for an ex to continue paying for things after a breakup and somehow follows that up with a joke about blowing her ex in front of her current boyfriend. Woof. Then she doubles down with a crack about not wanting to be homeless like Alicia. Double woof. Whether or not these women believe Alicia was technically homeless is beside the point. That’s Alicia’s lived experience and Liz is supposedly her lifelong friend. I really didn’t love hearing that.

We arrive at Audrey’s for trivia night where Ashley tells us she has IBS over the Rosie and Kelsey situation. Something tells me Ashley gets an upset stomach from nerves on a regular basis. Jared makes an announcement that if there’s any fighting, trivia is cancelled and everyone is going home. First of all, nobody cares about the trivia, Jared. Secondly, have you seen the show you're currently on? There will absolutely be fighting. Put down the steam wand and get with it. Rosie rolls up in her hideous pink Jeep and Ashley warns her that Kelsey is coming, although they’ll supposedly be seated separately. Naturally, production places them right beside each other. The other women arrive, Rulla is mysteriously absent once again and Alicia happily reveals she loves trivia, which is yet another reason to love her.

Jared desperately tries to yell trivia questions over the chaos. The first round is Disney-themed and includes the question, "What is the name of the wise-cracking pig in Toy Story?" Rosie and Ashley, both self-proclaimed Disney experts, have absolutely no idea. Jo Ellen simply writes down "Kelsey" because of the slam pig situation. Then Kelsey arrives wearing a sash and declaring, "She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’s Miss Slam Pig United States." Now that's good Housewife behaviour. The women are dying. Liz loves it. The loudspeaker isn't funny, but the sash is pretty fucking funny. While everyone else tries to navigate the Rosie-Kelsey conflict, Ashley remains laser-focused on the quiz and desperately wants to know what the big blue bug of Rhode Island is. Unfortunately she’s the only person not from Rhode Island, so she’s at a disadvantage.

Eventually everyone ends up around the same table and Kelsey again insists she was joking. Within seconds they're in a full-scale screaming match. Ashley finally snaps and yells, "Who’s tired of yelling and fighting all the time? Holy shit!" Annnnnd now she’s crying again. Just when I thought she’d finally run out of tears. She begs everyone to have a normal conversation that isn’t about drama, apparently forgetting what show she signed up for. Rosie and Kelsey continue screaming while everyone else ducks for cover. The amount of money I would’ve paid to be sitting in that café watching this unfold is astronomical. Ashley is mortified because it’s her establishment, even though she’s personally responsible for at least a third of the embarrassing behaviour. Eventually Rosie leaves. Ashley is still upset and on the verge of tears, but to her credit she continues competing in trivia solo and proudly informs us that the president’s helicopter is called Marine One.

Elsewhere, Alicia and her daughter Celina are pitching new ideas for Pizza Mama to Billy. Their presentation appears to be built from a cardboard tri-fold display covered in coloured paper, glitter and photos. It’s giving sixth-grade science fair and honestly it reminds me of the volcano I made with baking soda and vinegar. Alicia wants Celina involved because this is her legacy too. She explains what makes Pizza Mama unique is the glamour. She wants chandeliers, heart-shaped pizzas year-round, gift boxes, cute notes and fashionable uniforms. Honestly, I’m on board. If someone gave me pizza for Christmas I’d be thrilled because it would save me from eating roasted parsnips. Alicia is nervous because Billy is "very stickle" about his business, but she puts on her game face and goes for it. After the presentation she asks why she can’t be an actual partner. She asks if he trusts her and he literally laughs in her face. This fucking guy. He’s so condescending. Eventually he agrees she deserves compensation for her contribution, though I’m still not convinced it’ll be anywhere near what she deserves.

Later Rosie calls Ashley to announce she’s organising a trip to Boston so everyone can watch Rich cosplay as Frank Sinatra. Everyone except Kelsey, of course. Meanwhile at Liz’s house, Liz is performing some sort of skincare ritual involving repeatedly slapping herself in the face with a tiny orange hand-shaped spatula. I would love to know what outcome she’s hoping for. Back at Rosie’s house, she and Rich prepare for the Boston event. Rosie complains about doing her eyelashes in the living room because Rich is monopolising the only bathroom. She tells us that when they first met, Rich asked her to appear in one of his music videos. We see clips and honestly I don’t even know where to begin. If that was his original music, I can understand why he switched to Frank Sinatra covers. The dancing outside what looked like a Sunglass Hut was certainly a choice. Rosie claims she doesn’t remember him being that nerdy. Rosie, he’s still that nerdy. You're literally travelling to watch him pretend to be Frank Sinatra again.

As the episode wraps up, Alicia and Liz arrive at Jo Ellen’s house before the drive to Boston. Jo Ellen has prepared an enormous cheese board and, for reasons known only to her, brings it into the car. Cheese is flying around the vehicle for the entire trip and I’m struggling to focus on anything else. At one point Liz suddenly screams and I’m thinking, "Somebody save the brie!" It turns out the driver got too close to the car ahead. Also, none of them are wearing seatbelts. Ladies, buckle up. During the drive Alicia opens up about her childhood and the instability her family experienced when they had nowhere to live. Liz once again refuses to let go of Alicia using the word "homeless", which I find incredibly insensitive. Let the mouse go, Liz. Alicia finally loses her patience and tells Liz she’s showing her true colours. Suddenly everyone is yelling. Jo Ellen is trying to calm things down while I’m blaming the entire atmosphere on that cursed cheese board. If I knew it was moments away from hitting the floor, I’d lose my mind too. By the end of the episode Liz is attempting to apologise, but she’s still being aggressive and Alicia is left crying, which is never nice to see.

Thanks for reading.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!